Helping Kids Handle Losing

When I was 6, I played soccer. Our team was called 'The Hornets,' only we were nothing like any hornets I've ever experienced. We didn't swarm the ball, we certainly didn't swarm the other team's goal, and I'm fairly confident that no opposing team felt our 'sting' all season. Sigh. 

Our fearless leader, Coach Sherry, reminded us to hustle over orange slices and gatorade on the sidelines. She was ever upbeat and encouraging. I remember one game in particular- I was running with the ball at my feet, no one in sight! I was heading straight for the goal and no one could stop me- not even the goalie, who, oddly, was nowhere to be seen...Then I heard my team calling my name. It was half time. Darn. How embarrassing. 

The Hornets did not win one game that season and honestly, I'm not sure we scored a goal (that counted). But we had a grand ol' time with Coach Sherry, our teammates, and our orange slices and gatorade. 

Every kid will face losing at some point, whether on the field or on a test or at an audition. It's a tough situation and, of course, your heart breaks as a parent when you see your child at the losing end. Here are some tips to help your child learn from the experience and move forward with a positive attitude:

• Don't compare. Ever. Comparing your child to other children takes the emphasis off of camaraderie and fun. Even more than that, comparisons set your child up for failure in the future. Don't do it. 
• Take the emphasis off of winning all together. Have you ever asked yourself: Why does it have to be about winning in the first place? Even when your child is on the winning end, try concentrating on aspects of activities like teamwork, diligence, and self discipline. 
• Help your child set realistic goals for the future. Realistic goals are SMART: specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and timely. A realistic goal would be to practice the ballet recital dance 15 minutes three times per week. And UNrealistic goal would be to move from level 1 ballet class to level 5 by the end of the year.

How do you help your child handle losing? 

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Tough Stuff: Handling the Loss of a Pet

You dread it even though you know it’s coming. Not only does the death of a family pet break your child’s heart, it also breaks your heart, and it hurts you that it hurts your child. It’s a tough situation to navigate, especially with young children who don’t quite understand the concept of death yet (and really, do any of us?).

I remember when our family dog, Max, died. I was in first grade. Max was old and he had one bottom tooth that had somehow gotten jarred so that it stuck straight out like a tusk, even when his mouth was closed. We lovingly called him Snaggle-Tooth. Max had gotten overweight in his senior years and my sister gladly aided in this endeavor by sitting on his back in the garage and feeding him her leftover Halloween candy. Max happily obliged, chewing with all but his snaggle tooth. One day- the details here are hazy- but one day I came home from school and Max wasn’t in the garage. Max had died, my mother told me. I went up into my favorite tree in the front yard- the tree where I could sit and bend at the waist the limbs supported my back and legs- and I cried.

Max, pre snaggle-tooth. He may be looking at you with those sad,
SPCA commercial eyes, but I assure you he lived a long, happy,
candy-filled life. See how his belly just hangs in the back? Yep.

Years later my parents told me that they had put Max to sleep. He had cancer and was suffering- it was the best decision. My mom had gone with and comforted him the whole way through. We eventually got another dog- Fudgie (named after the book Superfudge and a sly but genius move on the part of my sister to off her then nickname to the family pet) but Max always held a special, snaggle-toothed place in my heart.

I don’t think there’s an easy way to handle the death of a pet with young children. There’s not an easy way to tell them, an easy way to help them grieve, or an easy way to help them understand it. But based on my own experience and what I know about children and how their minds work, here’s what I would suggest:

• Be sensitive, of course. Let them be upset. Don’t point out reasons why they shouldn’t be upset (he lived a long life, think of all the good times). Save those for a little later, after the upset has had time to sink in.
• Answer tough questions the best you can, but keep age in mind. Questions about death will inevitably come up, but keep in mind that young children don’t require a complicated answer. If you’re religious- ‘She went to Heaven’ may do quite nicely. If not, ‘Well, we’ll bury her in the backyard’ may be a sufficient answer for your youngster. Long, complicated answers may just confuse children more.
• Don’t talk about getting another pet right away. Give your child time to fully grieve the loss.
• In contrast, don’t say, ‘We’re never getting another dog/cat/hamster again!’ This will hurt your child’s feelings and make your child feel like you think the pet was not an important part of the family. Even if you feel this way, keep the feelings to yourself while your child grieves.

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Parent of the Week: Becky

This week's Parent of the Week, Becky, is not just an amazing mom but also a business owner! She makes these nifty seat covers that fit right over your dining chairs. They're waterproof, machine washable, and super cute. Check them out- but first, check out her Parent of the Week post!


As always, if you'd like to be a Parent of the Week or would like to nominate someone, email me at deluna.jamie@gmail.com. I look forward to hearing from you!

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Tell me a little about you- Who are you? What do you do? Hobbies? Do you dance in the car?

My name is Becky and I am a mother, wife, and, most recently, entrepreneur.  Now that my boys are both in school full time, I spend my days running my business and squeezing in some me-time when I can.  I love to work out and have become devoted to Pilates.  I also enjoy crossword puzzles, reading, and connecting with friends.

Tell me about your children.

I have two amazing boys, ages 6 and 8, who couldn’t be more different.  My oldest son has dark hair and dark brown eyes. He is tall and skinny, has an intense personality, and could play soccer every day.  His brother, in contrast, is fair with light hair and light eyes.  He is built like a line backer, has a sunny, light disposition, and excels in martial arts.  My mother-in-law, who is from South Africa, says that they are like chalk and cheese! 

What surprised you most about parenting?

How little control I actually have over who my children are!  It seems as though their personalities have been set in stone since they were born, and maybe even in utero.   My oldest is persistent, insatiably curious about the world around him, and active as can be.   When I was pregnant, he was so active that my stomach would literally move inches from his somersaults. His first words were “there” said with his finger and arm stretched out and “down” as he tried to jump head first out of my arms.   Now at 8, my oldest is an avid reader and learner, keeping his head buried in a book or persistently asking “why,” except of course when he is burning off his incredible energy.   My younger son is incredibly imaginative and generally happy and amiable.  Even as a baby, he was content to sit in the stroller or grocery cart and wave at the people passing by, saying, “hi” and “thank you” to anyone who would listen or give him a smile.  He lives in a world where superheroes save the day and everyday objects can become whatever you want – the only limit is his imagination, which appears to be endless. At 6 and in school full day, he is the mayor of the town; he knows everyone by name and is known by everyone too! 

How have you had to be Avant Garde as a parent?

I don’t know if I’ve been Avant Garde in my parenting, but I do think that I’ve been true to my boys’ personalities in the way that I parent them and that our lives are richer as a result.  My older son needs flexibility, choices, and a lot of room to run. He loves to challenge the rules and think outside of the box.  Too much rigidity doesn’t work for him and I’ve learned to pick my battles, offer him choices so that he has some control over his situation, and give him as many opportunities to run as possible.  And when given room to explore and question, my 8 year old comes up with clever ideas and solutions to problems that I never would have come up with on my own.  My younger son does better with rules, clear guidelines, and -- because he is so social and outgoing -- lots and lots of play dates.  When he understands what is expected of him and has had a chance to socialize with friends, my 6 year old bubbles over with entertaining stories that he is happy to share with me on our car rides and while cuddling before bed.  Parenting to their personalities instead of using a one-size-fits-all approach has really brought out the best in my boys. 

Becky and Past Parents of the Week: Feel free to grab the Parent of the Week Badge:

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