Transitioning from Mom and Dad’s Bed: A Drama

Okay, so you coslept with your sweet angel when he was a wee babe, but now he’s a kicker. Or a cover stealer. Or a- dare we say it- snorer. I kid, but whatever the reason, you’re ready for him to be in his own bed. BUT- you dread the transition and you know it will be filled with drama. Here are a few tips for preparing your little one (and you) for the big move.

1. Pack your patience- because this may well be a long move. Once kids are in a routine, it’s tough to get them out of it. So mentally prepare yourself for this and know that it won’t be a few nights, a week, or even a month before she’s sweetly sleeping independently.

2. Introduce the IDEA first- and leave it at that. Introducing the idea of such a big change AND expecting your child to be 1.Totally okay with it, 2.Hop on board, and 3.Sleep peacefully in bed alone the first night is somewhat (okay completely) unrealistic. Try just mildly suggesting the idea of sleeping in his own bed. Try something like:

“I was thinking about whether you’d ever want to sleep in the bed in your room and I sleep in the bed in my room. Maybe you can think about it, too.”

3. Try a slow transition- If your child is sleeping in your bed, try transitioning to a bed or cot next to your bed for a while before making the big move to your child’s own room.

4. Enact a bedtime routine- My favorite is 1.Bath 2.Book 3.Bed. Help your child snuggle into her own bed with a few favorite books so that she gets comfortable in the bed. Do this every night so that your child knows she can expect it and looks forward to it.

5. If your child is adamantly against the whole process- to the point of meltdowns, screaming, bedtime tantrums, just stop. Just like with many other things (potty training, for example) in my opinion it’s best to wait until children are ready.

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To Cosleep or Not- That is the Question

Cosleeping. It’s a topic that’s gained more and more attention in the last few years, and one that tends to split parents into opposing opinion camps. While some parents cannot imagine the thought of sharing their marital bed with their little ones, other couples can’t fathom turning their children away from the nighttime comfort of mom and dad’s snuggles. Here’s a brief primer along with a few commonly asked questions about cosleeping. It’s meant to be an informative snapshot about the topic and I hope you find it helpful.

What exactly is cosleeping?

One myth about cosleeping is that it is exclusively parent and child sharing a bed. However, bedsharing is only one type of cosleeping. In fact, cosleeping, a tenant of attachment parenting, refers to the practice of parents and children sleeping in close proximity to one another. There are many ways for parents and children can cosleep:

• Infant Cosleepers- Special bassinets that attach to the side of your bed. They allow your baby to be in close reach while keeping your infant on a firm, safe surface separate from your bed.
• Bedsharing- Children and parents share the same bed. Most medical experts do not recommend this way of cosleeping for infants because of the risk of soft mattresses, blankets, parents rolling over on the baby, etc.
• Room sharing- Keeping your child’s bed or bassinet in the same room as yours without explicitly sleeping in the same bed.

Is cosleeping safe to do with my infant?

The answer appears to be yes, when practiced safely. For parents of infants, medical experts recommend sleeping on a separate surface from your baby, whether in a co-sleeper that attaches adjacently to your bed or the baby sleeping in a bassinet in the same room.

Neither the American Academy of Pediatrics nor the US Consumer Product Safety Commission endorse direct bedsharing with infants. However, many parents still choose to have their baby sleep in the same bed with them. Dr. Sears provides a guide to safe bedsharing if this is your choice.


What about bedsharing with my older child?
Safe? Absolutely! Always make sure your child's head is not covered with blankets and that your child is not too warm or too cold. 

Cosleeping and children’s independence

Some child experts argue that cosleeping past the age of two can hinder a child’s independence. In the one study I have seen that examined these issues, the results were quite interesting and the interpretation really depends on how you yourself define ‘independence.’ Children who did not cosleep were more independent in that they were able to fall asleep alone and could return to sleep without parental soothing. But, interestingly, mothers who coslept with their preschoolers from the time they were infants reported that their children were slightly more self-reliant than did mothers of solitary sleeping children or reactive cosleeping children (children who started off the night in their own beds and end up in mom and/or dad’s bed). What does self-reliance mean? Things like dressing yourself, working out playmate problems on your own, etc.

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Why? The authors found that parents of cosleeping children consistently encouraged these skills in their children and speculate that these parents allow their children to participate in decisions about where to sleep, which may foster their self-reliance skills.

Does this mean that if you don’t cosleep with your child he or she won’t be self-reliant? NO. All parents foster independence and self-reliance in their children in different ways and through different means. Cosleeping is just one way. All I’m trying to illustrate is that different things work for different families.

So how do I decide whether to cosleep or not?

This is one of those (many) parenting issues where there’s really not a right answer. You have to feel out what’s right for your family. The fact that you’re even reading this article and informing yourself on cosleeping speaks volumes about you as a parent- you’re concerned, conscientious, and going to make the best decision for you and your child. Feel it out as you go- anchor and adjust along the way. I’m confident in your abilities and you should be, too!




Reference: Keller, M. A. & Goldberg, W. A. (2004). Co-sleeping: Help or hindrance for young children's independence? Infant and child development, 13, 369-388.

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Bedtime Q & A

To mirror my weekly CBS 11 news segment (4:00 pm broadcast, Dallas/Ft. Worth market), here's a little Q & A on kids and the dreaded...bedtime.

My child HATES to go to bed. What do I do?

1. Have a routine
2. Be Sparkly

1. Have a routine. Children crave consistency. They thrive in an environment where they know what to expect, and bedtime is no exception. Have a bedtime routine that is the same every night. Even something as simple as: Bath, story, snuggle, sleep, will help your child know what is coming every single night.

2. Be sparkly. In the words of Sandra Dodd, being ‘sparkly’ is the greatest way to relate to a child. It’s in the marketing- make it fun for them. ‘Bath’ isn’t fun. ‘Bubble bath with squirty toys and wax crayons that can draw on the tiles’ is fun. THAT’S sparkly.

Should I let my child ‘cry it out’?

The Ferber Method, also known as ‘crying it out,’ is a method of sleep training in which parents leave children alone for timed intervals, essentially disregarding cries and whines and letting the child eventually soothe him/herself (or not).

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Since it would be highly unethical to randomly assign/tell parents whether or not to respond to their crying children at night (“Okay, ma’am, we’d like you to NOT comfort your son every night for the next two weeks when he cries...”), there isn’t a lot of completely experimental research on the Ferber method.

So what’s the answer? Unfortunately, research doesn’t give us a definitive answer. I will say, though, that the tenants of sensitive parenting encourage us to respond to and comfort our children when they’re distressed. It’s our natural instinct- when our child cries, we soothe him. But what do you do when you suspect your child is crying to try and manipulate you- to stay in her room, to let her stay up longer, etc? Keep reading...

In the meantime, you can find a GREAT article on the pros and cons of the Ferber method here, and here a few take home points from the article:

      The Ferber Method

• Is NOT recommended for babies under 6 months
• Should NOT be used to treat sleep disorders or problems
• Does not teach kids HOW to fall asleep

What do I do when my child keeps getting up at night, wanting to get in my bed?

I talked about this a bit in an earlier post. In many instances, the answer may be as simple as finding a compromise by which both parties feel like their needs are met. Some children may need to have a parent close to them while they’re sleeping, whether at the beginning of the night or after nighttime wakings. Try making a bed of blankets with a pillow at the end of mom and dad’s bed. During the night, if she wakes up, she can come sleep on that with the understanding that she must be quiet or else she goes back to her own room. This will fulfill her need of having a parent close by and also teach her to self-sooth. More importantly, it might give her a sense of control for handling this problem on her own.

Now, I completely expect her to violate the ‘quiet’ rule a few (or many) times. I would attempt to battle that with the following: take her back to her bed and tell her she can come back to the pallet when she is ready, but the quiet rule still applies.

My child manipulates me by crying unless I stay in the room until he falls asleep, then he takes FOREVER to fall asleep. HELP!

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I also touched on this in my earlier post, but I’ll reiterate here. I can only imagine how frustrated you are because I’m fairly certain I was that child for my parents. I used to make one of my parents sit by my bed until I fell asleep. Then, I would make myself stay awake because I thought, “Well, if I just stay awake, mom won’t leave because she said she stay until I’m asleep.” I literally have a memory of my father reading through the entire newspaper next to my bed. When I was a bit older, I used to make myself stay awake all night because I was so scared of being alone at night in my room. To this day, I have no idea why I was so scared. I ended up co-sleeping with my parents (much to their dismay) until I was about 10- and I think it lasted so long because I knew I was in charge of the situation and could manipulate it to my satisfaction.

Wanting to control a situation is extremely common in children, even very young ones. If we’re being honest, it’s common in people of all ages. I personally always recommend parents helping their children to feel in control of their world. I think about it in terms of trying to find a way to say ‘yes’ instead of ‘no.’ (did you see my post on letting your child have control in appropriate ways?) For children especially, the things they want control over may seem silly or trivial, but, for many things, if it’s not hurting them or someone else, why not? Plus, letting them have control in lots of little situations often leads to less resistance when you need to control other situations.

Bedtime is no different:

Let her choose the jammies

Let him choose which bedtime story to read

Let her say goodnight to her toys

Let him choose a special stuffed animal to sleep with each night

Bottom Line: Bedtime is tough, but it doesn't have to be a power struggle. Don't go into it thinking that way. No one has to 'win.' The goal is a good night sleep- for the whole family!

What's bedtime like at your house?

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Parenting Quick Challenge: Bedtime Rituals

When I was young, my mom and I had this bedtime ritual. We did it every night without fail. At the risk of you thinking we were crazy (we were, a little), here's what it was: I would stand on my bed facing my mother, which put me at roughly at the same height as her. We had a little made up song and dance that we did. It lasted maybe ten seconds, max. It involved fist and elbow swinging along with just a tad of hip swaying. I won't sing you the song but suffice it to say that it was silly. Each night after said production, I jumped into the lying position to receive my bedtime story and 'wind down' (one terrible, fateful night, this 'jump' involved me breaking my thumb. That is another post entirely.).


The point is: I'm now twenty-seven years old a grown adult and I still remember it. Even the song. It was 'our thing.' For me as a child, it was predictable. I knew I could count on it as a part of my bedtime routine. It was comforting. Even if I had had a rotten day, singing and dancing with my mom ended it on a good note (get it?! note?! I really should go into comedy...). And it connected me with my mom. I could call my mother up this second and she could sing the song to me. 


Here's the challenge: Create a special bedtime ritual with your child. It does not need to be a full out stage production, just something quick and special that helps you and your child have a special moment at the end of each day. Here are a few ideas:

• Have special bedtime words, for example: "Goodnight, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite, and if they do then smack 'em, smack 'em, smack 'em right!"
• Talk about your favorite thing that happened during the day
• Talk about what you're looking forward to about tomorrow

What did you come up with? Do you already do this? Tell me about it!

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Bedtime Woes

Do you dread your child’s bedtime? Does your kiddo coerce you to lay in bed with him until he falls asleep (which takes 3 hours because he wills himself to stay awake)? Does she wake up eleventy times during the night, wanting each time to get in bed with you? Do you wake up in the morning feeling like you haven’t slept (because you haven’t)?



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I can only imagine how frustrated you are because I’m fairly certain I was that child for my parents. I used to make one of my parents sit by my bed until I fell asleep. Then, I would make myself stay awake because I thought, “Well, if I just stay awake, mom won’t leave because she said she stay until I’m asleep.” I literally have a memory of my father reading through the entire newspaper next to my bed. When I was a bit older, I used to make myself stay awake all night because I was so scared of being alone at night in my room. To this day, I have no idea why I was so scared. I ended up co-sleeping with my parents (much to their dismay) until I was about 10- and I think it lasted so long because I knew I was in charge of the situation and could manipulate it to my satisfaction.

Wanting to control a situation is extremely common in children, even very young ones. If we’re being honest, it’s common in people of all ages. I personally always recommend parents helping their children to feel in control of their world. I think about it in terms of trying to find a way to say ‘yes’ instead of ‘no.’ (did you see my post on letting your child have control in appropriate ways?) For children especially, the things they want control over may seem silly or trivial, but, for many things, if it’s not hurting them or someone else, why not? Plus, letting them have control in lots of little situations often leads to less resistance when you need to control other situations.

Bedtime is no different:

• Let her choose the jammies
• Let him choose which bedtime story to read
• Let her say goodnight to her toys
• Let him choose a special stuffed animal to sleep with each night

So what about the problems after the lights are out? From a developmental point of view, many times, 'sleeping' problems in children have less to do with sleep and more to do with what we researchers call 'goodness of fit,' which is a fancy way of saying that there may be something(s) in his environment that doesn't work for him and it manifests in the form of a problem at bedtime. That is, the symptom of a bedtime problem may be due to something completely different than bedtime. (So, for example, a child may crave more 'mom' time during the day and acting out at bedtime is a way of getting that attention.)

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Where the ‘goodness of fit’ for bedtime comes in is finding a solution that works for both of you- finding a compromise by which both parties are feeling like their needs are met. Some children may need to have a parent close to them while they’re sleeping, whether at the beginning of the night or after nighttime wakings. Try making a bed of blankets with a pillow at the end of mom and dad’s bed. During the night, if she wakes up, she can come sleep on that with the understanding that she must be quiet or else she goes back to her own room. This will fulfill her need of having a parent close by and also teach her to self-sooth. More importantly, it might give her a sense of control for handling this problem on her own.

Now, I completely expect her to violate the ‘quiet’ rule a few (or many) times. I would attempt to battle that with the following: take her back to her bed and tell her she can come back to the pallet when she is ready, but the quiet rule still applies.

Here are some other ideas:

• Routine. Routine. Routine. Have one. Stick to it.

• Bedtime checklist. Not a reward chart, just a checklist, so that your kiddo knows exactly what to expect each night. Checking bedtime tasks (tooth brushing, bath, etc) will help her feel more in control.
• Hear what she’s saying. Be there for her, but help her regulate. “I hear that you don’t want to go to bed. Can I snuggle next to you to help you feel better or can you work it out on your own?”
• Bedtime guidelines like talking in a whisper or a soft voice for 30 minutes before bed will help him ‘put on the brakes’ and calm down.

Good luck, parents, as you battle bedtime. As in all matters child, I know that it is easier said than done. I hope that this provides some help and insight.

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