On Parenting and Happiness

A recent study that polled over 200,000 people around the globe found that parents of young children are- wait for it- not quite as happy as parents of older children. Surprised? Well, say researchers, the answers may lie in the very simple, everyday tasks that stress out parents of very young children: diaper changes, night-time wakings, temper tantrums and the like. More still, young children use resources you may not be thinking of (or maybe you are) on a day to day basis: they take time away from you and your partner, your friends, and money out of your wallet. And even though parents love the snookers out of their little ones, it's a tough job, and one that may be affecting your happiness.

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Depression and Your Parenting Style: What it May Mean for Your Child

In a fascinating study that came out last month in the journal Psychological Science, researchers from the University of Maryland found that preschoolers with depressed mothers became more stressed out during mildly stressful experiences than children without depressed mothers, but only if their mothers exhibited a negative parenting style.

Let’s break it down. The researchers put preschoolers in mildly stressful situations when they participated in the research experiment, like interacting with a stranger or giving them a locked transparent box with a fun toy inside but no way to open it. They measured cortisol, a stress hormone, both before and after the stressful experiences. When we’re stressed out, our cortisol levels increase. The researchers found that the cortisol levels increased the most in kiddos who had moms who 1.Were depressed and 2.Displayed a negative parenting style.

What is meant by negative parenting style? I’m so glad you asked. In the kind of work I do, negative, or hostile, parenting is defined as parental behaviors that express anger, frustration, and/or criticism toward the child. At the extreme end, think put-downs, yelling, blaming. At the milder end, think sarcasm or frustrated insistence that a child do a task a certain way.

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Teaching Children Self-Compassion

Self-compassion sounds a little cheesy, but it’s pretty simple. It has to do with acknowledging your own feelings and helps you relate to the feelings of others. There are three parts: mindfulness, or the actual acknowledgement of your feelings- realizing they’re there, common humanity, realizing that, others, too, go through difficult emotions and finding support and strength in numbers, and being kind to yourself and others in an effort to reduce further hardships.

Researchers look at self-compassion as a sort of middle ground between the type of ‘tiger mom’ parenting you may have read about, where children’s self-esteem and approval from parents is based solely upon whether they succeed at certain accomplishments, say, playing a piano piece perfectly from start to finish, and the type of parenting where self-esteem is doled out in the form of ‘everyone gets a trophy. For everything. All the time.’ You can imagine that, in the first instance, children may be made to feel that they are never good enough, and in the latter, that they are always the best. This could be problematic for a number of reasons, but namely because children are taught that self-worth hinges upon performance and how they stack up compared with other children. How stressful!

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CBS 11 clip- Kids and Sharing

Remember last week when I posted about helping children learn to share- and I goofed and mixed up my CBS 11 topics? Well I talked about sharing on CBS 11 today. And here it is!

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For Children, Play=Learning

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'Play is the work of the child' - Maria Montessori


'Play is a child's work' -Jean Piaget


Two very famous quotations, at least in my field of work, and both very true. However, I recently came across another quotation that I think does a fantastic job of elaborating upon what Montessori and Piaget meant:


'Children learn as they play. Most importantly, in play, children learn how to learn.' -Fred Donaldson


Fascinating, isn't it? And so true. The research tells us it's true and you as parents know it's true from watching your children discover things about the world every day while playing. The grass is wet in the morning. That's called dew. If I stack the blocks too high, they will probably fall over. The dog doesn't like it when I pull on her tail.


But did you know that how toys are presented to your child can affect how they explore and learn about them?


Just last week I read an article that tackled the issue of whether children learned more when toys were presented in a playful way or a 'teaching' way. 


Researchers took a toy to different classrooms with 4 year-olds. The toy had various attributes- it squeaked if you pulled a tube, played music if you pushed a button, had a hidden mirror, etc. For some children, the researcher presented a toy in a 'teaching' way- she said "Look! I have this toy. If you pull here, it squeaks." For other kids, the researcher presented the toy in a playful way- they said "Look! I found this toy! I wonder how it works?" She then pretended to discover the how to make the toy squeak and acted surprised when she figured it out.


So who learned more about the toy? 


Kids who were presented the toy in a playful way were much more likely to discover the other fun things the toy did than kids who were shown the toy in a 'teaching' way. But why?


I had the good fortune of getting to hear the researchers of this study speak recently, and they speculate that, when children this young are instructed directly, they assume that the person instructing will tell them everything they need to know. That is, kids may have thought that if there was something else cool about the toy, the 'teaching' researcher would have told them.


So what does this mean for play?  


Well, that it's important. That children really do seem to learn through true play. That it's okay (and good) to let your child discover toys on their own and at their own place. 



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Getting Ideas

Hellooooo dear readers! Guess where I am? Bet you didn't guess Montreal, Canada (but if you did, you would have been correct). I'm at the biennial Society for Research on Child Development (SRCD) Conference. It's a hunormous event that brings together thousands of researchers who study babies, kids, and parents. Everyone shares what they know (and what they want to know) and gets and gives ideas. It's pretty much awesome.


So I've been feverishly scribbling down everything I'm learning about, starring the things I think will make good blog posts (all of them, duh), and being SO thankful I live in the south (it's in the 30's here. Thirties.). You all just hang tight. I'm learning some cool things.


And if you know any of the higher-ups in SRCD, let them know that I would sure appreciate a SOUTHERN conference location sometime soon. (Last time it was in Denver. The time before that it was in Boston. Next: Seattle. 2017: Philadelphia.). I'm just saying- what's wrong with Miami? San Diego? Hawaii? (Here's hoping!)



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Is Your Child Serious? That's Healthy!

Today I have a guest post from Dr. Leslie R. Martin, a researcher from La Sierra University in California. She's the co-author of The Longevity Project, a book that chronicles a study that sought to understand precisely what makes some of us live longer than others - fascinating.


Read on as she describes why parents shouldn't necessarily worry if they have a kiddo who seems to be more serious than his peers - it may not be a bad thing!

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Is Your Child Serious? That's Healthy!

By Leslie R. Martin, Ph.D.,
Author of The Longevity Project: Surprising Discoveries for Health and Long Life from the Landmark Eight-Decade Study

About a week ago I attended a party. Most of the attendees were parents and the discussion quickly turned to temperaments: whose babies slept through the night; whose little girls wore pants and whose refused anything but dresses; whose kids were cheerful and full of laughter and whose were more thoughtful and solemn. The matter of cheerfulness versus seriousness fascinated these parents because they saw it as something indicative of who the child was, and what he or she would become.

Science confirms that temperament is indeed present from the very first moments of life and can be seen in the different ways that babies react to things in their environments. Some infants startle easily while others seem nonplussed by sudden movements or loud noises; some infants are difficult to soothe once there emotions have been aroused while others are quickly mollified and return to whatever they had been doing before. Some toddlers are very cheery, with the infectious laughter of a gleeful or mischievous tot. Equally contagious is the toothy grin of a 10-year-old after telling a clever joke. Cheerful, laughing kids provide reassurance to parents that life is good for the child.

It's not surprising, then, some parents expressed concern about their children who seemed OK but were more serious, that is, the children who laughed, smiled, and joked less than their more exuberant peers. "It makes me wonder sometimes if something's wrong with him," "I feel like maybe I should try to pry it out of her," "I encourage him to go and have fun with his friends, but he'll never be the life of the party", and "I hope I haven't done something to make her so serious and focused; I guess I haven't set a great example in this area though; I'm not much of a partier myself."

Sure, even young children can occasionally become depressed and retreat into their rooms, sleeping too much or eating too much, fidgeting anxiously, and feeling worthless. But this is uncommon and is quite different from simply being serious, focused, and not silly. More important than any particular characteristic is the child's comfort level with the trait. If a child is on the serious side but seems content, involved with friends or clubs or sports, and well-adjusted otherwise, there's probably nothing to worry about. In fact, we found that such children may be exceptionally healthy.

In The Longevity Project we studied more than 1,500 children as they grew up and passed through their adolescence, adulthoods, and into old age. Being more serious as a child was not a risk factor for earlier mortality -- in fact the reverse was actually true! The very cheerful, optimistic, and humorous kids had shorter life spans, on average, than their more sober counterparts -- in part because they later took poorer care of their health and tended to smoke and drink more, among other things.

So, except in cases where additional warning signs are present, parents of serious children can relax. Not everyone is a Charlie Chaplin or an Adam Sandler and really, think about it -- shouldn't we all be thankful for this?! Some people are simply more high-spirited than others and these differences start early. Scoring a little lower on the humor-meter is not a bad thing; and our surprising research shows that it may actually be good for one's health. Parenting is tough, and there are lots of things to worry about, but this isn't one of them.

© 2011 Leslie R. Martin, Ph.D., author of The Longevity Project: Surprising Discoveries for Health and Long Life from the Landmark Eight-Decade Study

Author Bios

Howard S. Friedman, Ph.D., author of The Longevity Project: Surprising Discoveries for Health and Long Life from the Landmark Eight-Decade Study, graduated from Yale and was awarded the National Science Foundation graduate fellowship for his doctoral work at Harvard.  He is currently Distinguished Professor of Psychology at the University of California, Riverside, and has been honored with major awards by the American Psychological Association and the Association for Psychological Science.

Dr. Friedman has edited and written a dozen books and 150 scientific articles and has been named a "most-cited psychologist" by the Institute of Scientific Information.  His health and longevity research has been featured in publications worldwide.  He lives near San Diego, California

Leslie R. Martin, Ph.D., co-author of The Longevity Project: Surprising Discoveries for Health and Long Life from the Landmark Eight-Decade Study, graduated summa cum laude from California State University, San Bernadino, and received her Ph.D. from the University of California, Riverside.  Currently, she is a professor of psychology at La Sierra University, where she received the Distinguished Researcher Award and the Anderson Award for Excellence in Teaching.  Dr. Martin is also a research psychologist at the University of California, Riverside, and a key associate in Professor Friedman's longevity studies.

An avid traveler, Dr. Martin climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro in 2005, and recently completed the 151-mile Marathon des Sables across the Moroccan Sahara.  She lives in Riverside, California.

For more information please visit http://www.howardsfriedman.com/longevityproject/ and follow the authors on Facebook and Twitter

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How Parents Can Support Self Regulation Development in Children

Self regulation means being able to manage your own behaviors and emotions. Parents and caregivers know that these abilities can be difficult for children and tests of them are often seen in tantrums or battles over homework vs. playtime. As frustrating as these situations can be, it may help to know that there are steps you, as a parent, can take to help your child practice successful self regulation.

Young babies and toddlers need more support than older children when learning to regulate. Learning your baby’s cues (hunger versus pain cries, for example) and responding appropriately helps infants learn to regulate. Parents can also help their very young children learn to regulate by developing a routine early. Have a routine for things like bedtime, snacktime, and playtime.

Parents can support preschool-aged and older children’s self regulation development by helping them engage in activities and play that encourage the use of these skills. For example, more pretend play has been linked with higher levels of self regulation in children. Why? According to researcher Laura Berk, it’s because children use more private speech when they are pretending. Private speech is speech that children engage in with themselves. You may have seen your young child playing ‘pretend’ and talking about what he’s going to do, how he’s going to do it, and giving a running narrative of his play. Berk argues that this type of speech in the context of pretend play helps children develop planning skills.

Other work suggests that parents can support self regulation skills in children by letting them take the lead with certain tasks. When children accomplish even simple tasks on their own, like brushing their teeth or packing their lunch, they feel a sense of accomplishment and learn how to plan and organize each step in the process.

Based on work that shows the benefits of parents’ support of self regulation in children and different types of play that encourage self regulation, here are some suggestions for encouraging these skills with your child:

For babies and toddlers:

• Respond to your infant’s cries and bids – with water, comfort, or other items or actions your baby might need
• Set a routine early- For example, have a bedtime routine that is the same every night.
• Consider having a comfort item for your young child when he or she is upset- a favorite blanket or teddy bear, for example.

For preschoolers and older children:

• Be flexible and let your child take the lead– It takes a flexible caregiver to allow children to take the lead on some tasks. Remind yourself to be patient and open-minded even when children choose to do something differently from how you would (e.g., choosing clothes that don’t necessarily match, choosing which veggies to have for dinner)
• Find the part of a task children enjoy – and let them complete it independently. Is your child not a fan of tooth-brushing? Help him brush his teeth, then let him put away his toothbrush and toothpaste the way he wants to.
• Play Simon Says- This classic game is not only fun, but it also requires careful listening and matching your own actions to the directions given.
• Pretend- When children engage in imaginative play, they use private speech that involves planning what they are going to do and creating a running dialogue of their play, which in turn allows them to practice self regulation and planning skills.

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Playtime- it's a science!

One of the coolest things about my work is that I get to observe parents and preschoolers every day. More specifically, I watch videos of mothers and their children playing together and look for different behaviors and qualities. Then, we take those qualities, give them numbers, and see how they relate to other parts of the child’s life (e.g., verbal development, behavior problems).

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One specific aspect we examine is what we call parental sensitivity. It has to do with how in-tune to the child the mother is and it manifests in lots of ways. For example, a very sensitive mother usually won’t insist that their child play with toys in a certain way and will even embrace the ‘new’ way her child approaches a toy. So, for instance, when her child decides to ‘cook’ the blocks in the play oven, a sensitive mom might remark, “Oh, I see you’re pretending that the blocks are food! What delicious meal are you making?” This not only allows the child her own creativity and independence to express herself, but it also encourages interaction and imagination.

Another way moms and dads can be sensitive and in-tune with their children during playtime is by letting the child take the lead, or being ‘child-centered.’ Being child-centered is in contrast to being adult-centered. Think of it this way: playtime isn’t about just you. It’s about your child or, better yet, the relationship between you and your child. A child-centered parent allows her child to influence the pace of play, but can tell when her child needs support (steadying a toy so that the child can manipulate it) or redirection (getting bored and moving to another toy/activity).

Being sensitive is in contrast to being intrusive- insisting that your child play according to your agenda and being overly directive ("Do it like this. No! Not like that! It doesn't go there!") or overwhelming your child with instructions or stimulation ("This one's green and this one's red and this one's blue. What's this called? What this called? What's this called??" When your child is clearly interested in something else.) OR being detached- going through the motions in an unemotional sort of way, not really paying full attention to what's going on.

Now wait a second. I know what you're thinking. You've all been there. Probably in both situations, but most definitely the latter- the 'I'm exhausted, you woke up 7 times last night, how in the world do you have energy for playing or expect me to have energy to play with you right now?' state of mind. It's okay. Remember when I told you it's okay not to be a perfect parent?? Okay, now that that's out of the way...

A different aspect we look at is called cognitive stimulation. Cognitive stimulation fosters healthy child development and is even related to outcomes like grades and obesity! So, what is it? Stimulation for preschool children starts with a goal of teaching. The goal can be accomplished in lots of ways: labeling objects or pictures in a book, having the child label, demonstrating how tools and toys are used, or even just commenting on what the child is doing in a descriptive way (“I see you’re using the green hammer to hammer the blue nail.”). Other ways to stimulate your child can be much more imaginative- encourage pretend play by pretending with your preschooler or create a story as you play. Try to balance learning and having fun!

This is just a small glimpse into what I get to do on a daily basis and what we look at when we watch moms and kids play. Want to know more about how to make the most out of playtime? I highly suggest The Ready Method.

P.S. One group of researchers thinks playtime is so important (and it is!) that they’ve created what they call the Ultimate Block Party.  


Happy playtime! Read more...

Teaching Children Independence

Every parent wants his or her child to become independent. When children get older and enter adulthood, independence is important so that parents can retire and children are no longer draining their financial resources see their children succeed the way they always knew they would. But when children are younger, independence seems to serve a more immediate need. Whether it’s cleaning up toys, putting away mealtime dishes, or even just moving shoes out of the doorway, once children master the fine art of doing things independently, life seems easier and less stressful for the whole family.

A recent report from the Center on the Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning at Vanderbilt University breaks downs simple steps for parents who are in the midst of trying to teach young children how to just ‘put away your shoes, already’ without becoming too frustrated.

 Here are some highlights from the report for parents of preschool-aged children:

• Break down routines into steps and stay positive. While it’s a knee-jerk reaction to say ‘stop splashing the water!’ it’s much more positive and effective to say ‘all done washing/brushing teeth. Now let’s turn the water off.’
• Think of it as a ‘how to’ (remember having to write these in school?). Use words like ‘First’ ‘Next’ ‘Then’ ‘Last’
• Be encouraging. Don’t reprimand. This will discourage your child from wanting to perform tasks independently
• If your child is reading, consider leaving funny notes- ‘I don’t like to get splashed!’ on the toilet seat, for example

How do you help your child learn independence through routines?

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Extreme Parenting: How Far is Too Far?

Here's my CBS 11 clip on the topic. Many, many tanks to CBS Dallas for having me- I have such a blast sharing with parents this way! (Read on- there's more below the clip!)

We all heard the story of Tiger Mom- and if you didn’t, here’s a recap: strict, Chinese, Yale law school professor mom raises two daughters the ‘traditional Chinese’ way, according to her- including practices such as forcing them to practice piano pieces for hours at a time with no bathroom breaks and throwing less-than-acceptable Mother’s Day Cards back at them. Her argument? It teaches them to live in the competitive, unforgiving, global society.

My argument? Children need to have a say in their lives (you knew I was going to say that, right?!). When parents outright reject the opinions of their children and exert complete power over them, children cannot grow and develop as independent, self-governing individuals. Think about it: if someone is always making decisions for you (and rejecting the few decisions you do make on your own) how will you ever learn to think on your own and live independently and fearlessly in the world around you?

There’s always the question of: My child is painfully shy/timid. Should I push him to join a club/group/sport?

I definitely don’t think it’s a mistake to introduce the idea of joining an organized activity. You can do it in a gentle way- make a list of lots of activities you think might interest him and see if any catch his eye. If he says no, talk about why. But if he persists with his decision not to join, I don’t know that I’d force him to. Think about it this way: if he’s that shy, would he really enjoy being a part of a large group? Or would it just be overwhelming and intimidating? He’ll have the experience of being a part of a group in other ways: classroom activities, group projects, etc. and he’ll get camaraderie through his close friends and family. Just because you think being a part of an organized sport or activity would be good for him doesn’t mean it’s the only way for him to experience life.

My daughter is getting overweight. Unfortunately, I know that attractive people are treated better in this world- should I push her to lose the weight?

Hopefully as a parent, your reasons for wanting a child to lose weight are health-oriented and not appearance oriented. You should always encourage your children to focus on what other people have to offer on the inside- things like morals and character traits, not appearance.

That said, there are, of course, health benefits to being of a healthy weight. When helping a child maintain a healthy weight, researchers are unanimous: keep the focus on health, not weight. Help your child choose healthy foods and balanced meals, exercise and stay active, and get enough sleep. Don’t focus on pounds or the way she looks. Doing so will only lead to dissapointment.

My child wants to quit an activity he is involved in. Should I let him? Or push him to stay in it?

Here’s a situation where it’s probably best to talk about why your child wants to stop the activity. Is it because he’s no longer interested and/or is becoming interested in something else? Then it may be time for a change. Is it because he’s had a tough season and doesn’t like losing? Then it’s time for a talk about why not every season will be a winning season (a tough conversation- but end it on a high note à what can you improve on next season?).

This situation is one where you and your child really have to talk it out together and use your best judgment.

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At the end of the day, remember: your child is a different person than you are. She may be interested in similar things as you were as a child, but she may not. Do your best to have an open mind and be supportive.

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Research with Children: What it's Really Like

I’m a researcher. It sounds kind of boring when I put it that way. But you read this blog, right? And you enjoy it, right? (Right??) Well, Most everything I write is based on...research. People who donate their brains to science. Heh heh. That was a research joke. Okay.

But really, research with children is important because it informs policy, interventions, and education and curriculum. Ever wonder how teachers know how to help kids who are falling behind in reading? Research. Know why doctors tell you to put babies to sleep on their backs? Research.

So how do I find out all the information I write to you about? Some research, like the kind I do, is conducted by going out and visiting families in their homes. We interview parents and ‘play games’ with kids (which are really research tasks- we’re collecting data- but they really are fun games for the kids. Really. Fun.). One of the tasks we do is like this little gem but modified for younger kiddos. We go back to the lab (it looks more like an office), enter the data into a computer, crunch some numbers, analyze them, and write up articles to share with the scientific community. Sounds easy, but in actuality, it takes a lot of time, money, and energy.

Some research is conducted via the computer- through surveys and questionnaires. This is the kind you yourself can be a part of. Yes you can be an indelible part of science and make your imprint on the face of research forever. (Too cheesy? Did it have an impact?)

It’s super easy to participate. Below are just a few studies that you can be a part of. An ethics board reviews each of the studies before allowing them to collect data from participants. In each study, you are not required to give any identifying information and you may quit at any time.

1. Study of mothers’ experiences and feelings about childbirth and the transition into being the mother of her new baby (for mothers of babies under 12months) Click here

2. Study of parents’ feelings and attitudes about how children use objects such as blankets and toys (parents of 2.5 – 5 year-olds) Click here

3. Study of children's emotional development (parents of 12-26 month old children) Click here

If you live in the Dallas/Fort Worth area, have a young child, and are interested in participating in research, there are several opportunities listed here.

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Who Takes Care of Mommy?

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Have you ever asked yourself this question? You take care of everyone else- you fill sippy cups, make lunches, take the dry cleaning, clean the toilets, and gosh knows what else, but who takes care of you? In fact, I read a recent blog entry that tackles just this topic. It’s called role conflict and it’s something that many moms face- trying to balance being a mom with being a wife with being a woman- it just sounds exhausting, doesn’t it?!

I don't want to forget my stay at home dads. The pull to take care of kids, clean house, maintain your role as a man, the husband, the dad, AND make it in a world other stay at home parents who are mostly female is by no means less stressful. 

So what can you do? It’s a tough situation. Things still have to get done. You still have to be the mom/dad. The wife/husband. The woman/man. Well, for starters, take a deep breath. Try to find some time to focus on you, even if it’s just five or ten minutes. The dry cleaning can be a day late and you can live with dirty toilets for a few days. You can also try a few tips offered by the American Psychological Association Help Center for managing stress.

Later this week, I’ll be attending a free forum on just this topic. It’s being put on by the University of Texas at Dallas Center for Children and Families- they’re bringing in Dr. Suniya Luthar, a well-known researcher on this topic. If you live in DFW, I’d encourage you to attend! It’s free, you get lunch (for free!), and you’ll learn a lot. I’ll be sure to update you all next week on what I learned J

Who takes care of you?

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To Cosleep or Not- That is the Question

Cosleeping. It’s a topic that’s gained more and more attention in the last few years, and one that tends to split parents into opposing opinion camps. While some parents cannot imagine the thought of sharing their marital bed with their little ones, other couples can’t fathom turning their children away from the nighttime comfort of mom and dad’s snuggles. Here’s a brief primer along with a few commonly asked questions about cosleeping. It’s meant to be an informative snapshot about the topic and I hope you find it helpful.

What exactly is cosleeping?

One myth about cosleeping is that it is exclusively parent and child sharing a bed. However, bedsharing is only one type of cosleeping. In fact, cosleeping, a tenant of attachment parenting, refers to the practice of parents and children sleeping in close proximity to one another. There are many ways for parents and children can cosleep:

• Infant Cosleepers- Special bassinets that attach to the side of your bed. They allow your baby to be in close reach while keeping your infant on a firm, safe surface separate from your bed.
• Bedsharing- Children and parents share the same bed. Most medical experts do not recommend this way of cosleeping for infants because of the risk of soft mattresses, blankets, parents rolling over on the baby, etc.
• Room sharing- Keeping your child’s bed or bassinet in the same room as yours without explicitly sleeping in the same bed.

Is cosleeping safe to do with my infant?

The answer appears to be yes, when practiced safely. For parents of infants, medical experts recommend sleeping on a separate surface from your baby, whether in a co-sleeper that attaches adjacently to your bed or the baby sleeping in a bassinet in the same room.

Neither the American Academy of Pediatrics nor the US Consumer Product Safety Commission endorse direct bedsharing with infants. However, many parents still choose to have their baby sleep in the same bed with them. Dr. Sears provides a guide to safe bedsharing if this is your choice.


What about bedsharing with my older child?
Safe? Absolutely! Always make sure your child's head is not covered with blankets and that your child is not too warm or too cold. 

Cosleeping and children’s independence

Some child experts argue that cosleeping past the age of two can hinder a child’s independence. In the one study I have seen that examined these issues, the results were quite interesting and the interpretation really depends on how you yourself define ‘independence.’ Children who did not cosleep were more independent in that they were able to fall asleep alone and could return to sleep without parental soothing. But, interestingly, mothers who coslept with their preschoolers from the time they were infants reported that their children were slightly more self-reliant than did mothers of solitary sleeping children or reactive cosleeping children (children who started off the night in their own beds and end up in mom and/or dad’s bed). What does self-reliance mean? Things like dressing yourself, working out playmate problems on your own, etc.

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Why? The authors found that parents of cosleeping children consistently encouraged these skills in their children and speculate that these parents allow their children to participate in decisions about where to sleep, which may foster their self-reliance skills.

Does this mean that if you don’t cosleep with your child he or she won’t be self-reliant? NO. All parents foster independence and self-reliance in their children in different ways and through different means. Cosleeping is just one way. All I’m trying to illustrate is that different things work for different families.

So how do I decide whether to cosleep or not?

This is one of those (many) parenting issues where there’s really not a right answer. You have to feel out what’s right for your family. The fact that you’re even reading this article and informing yourself on cosleeping speaks volumes about you as a parent- you’re concerned, conscientious, and going to make the best decision for you and your child. Feel it out as you go- anchor and adjust along the way. I’m confident in your abilities and you should be, too!




Reference: Keller, M. A. & Goldberg, W. A. (2004). Co-sleeping: Help or hindrance for young children's independence? Infant and child development, 13, 369-388.

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Parenting Styles...as in, I’m Stylish and You Can Be, Too

Stylish? Me? Nooo. But wait. Maybe...At least one person thinks so. My friend the Zany Housewife (she was a Parent of the Week- remember?) bestowed upon moi the ‘Stylish Blogger’ award! All I can say is that Zany is far more stylish than I will ever be, but a girl can dream...

Since we’re talking style, let’s talk parenting style. Did you know that there are different styles? Well, there are. An amazingly smart woman (that’s right, I said woman) researcher named Diana Baumrind classifies parents on two different aspects: control and warmth.

We’ve all seen the extremely controlling parent, right? Parents who direct each and every aspect of their child’s behavior? Warmth has to do with how accepting parents are of their children and also how sensitive and responsive they are to them.

How controlling and/or warm are you? How much of each should you be?

Fine. I’ll tell you. Research shows that parents who are very warm with their children but also exercise a fair amount of control have children who grow to be responsible, competent teenagers. Surprised? It makes sense if you think about it. My theory? Setting limits and boundaries with your child (control) in the context of a caring, supportive environment (warmth) teaches children that 1.they have a say, 2.their opinions matter, and 3.mutual respect between people leads to solutions.

So how do you do this in a real world situation? Let’s take computer time. Your child wants to stay up and play on the computer all night, but you know he needs to get to bed because he has preschool in the morning. Try something like this:

“It’s important for you to get sleep before school. I hear that you really want to stay up and play on the computer. Would you like to play for 4 or 5 more minutes before bed?”

He will probably choose 5.

“Okay! I’m going to set the egg timer for 5 minutes. Let’s see...that’s...300 seconds! Wow! Okay, when the timer goes off, I’ll carry you piggy back to bed!”

So what do you think? How warm and/are controlling are you?

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Communicating With Your Child Through Sign Language

Today I have a special treat- a guest post from early childhood experts Emily Patterson and Kathleen Thomas! They've shared some insight on signing with young children- I think you’ll enjoy this one!

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Possessing the ability to speak and communicate in more than one language in today's society is priceless.  This type of study usually begins in middle school or high school for many kids in America.  However, these days bilingual education is being taught at a younger age, before kids attend preschool, before they take their first step, and even before they say their first word- through sign language.

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The ability to communicate articulately in a variety of ways and languages to the widest possible audience is a great way to stay ahead and ensure a decent standard of living in our suffering economic state.  This is not limited to speaking different languages but also non-verbal communication: signing.

As a result of the shortage of American Sign Language interpreters the job opportunities in this field have really opened up, and if current trends continue, it is likely that will stay this way.

First Words

The toddler years and beyond – ages 2 to five –are an ample time to educate children in different modes of communication and language because of their brain development course. This goes beyond the spoken word (though it is an optimal time for children to learn a second language); many young children have an aptitude for signing as well.

American Indian nations have used sign language for centuries to facilitate communication with other tribes with whom they do not share a language. Some paleontologists and anthropologists theorize that Neanderthals – who apparently lacked the vocal mechanism to produce many spoken words – depended a great deal upon hand gestures to communicate. Therefore signing is not as strange as one would think!

In fact, recent research suggests that sign language is innate. An article published in the Boulder Daily Camera in 2003 presented strong evidence that babies as young as six months old communicate with their hands:

The National Institute of Child Health and Human Development is also referred to by the author, demonstrating that young children who are taught sign language at an early age, whether at day care or at home, actually develop better verbal skills as they get older. The ability to sign has also helped parents in communicating with autistic children; one parent reports that "using sign language allowed her to communicate with her [autistic] son and minimized his frustration...[he now] has an advanced vocabulary and excels in math, spelling and music" (Glarion, 2003).

Lasting Results

The benefits of early childhood education through signing are endless.  In addition to giving kids a way to communicate, it also provides them with an opportunity to form a bond with their parent(s).  The hope is that eventually signing will become known as one of the "firsts" that no parent wants to miss, such as the first time children walk or get their first tooth.  Signing is likely to allow communication much earlier than verbally.  It creates a closeness that will allow parents to be more in sync with their child's thoughts and needs.

Co-written by Emily Patterson and Kathleen Thomas

Emily and Kathleen are Communications Coordinators for the network of Austin day care facilities belonging to the AdvancED® accredited family of Primrose day care schools.  Primrose Schools are located in 16 states throughout the U.S. and are dedicated to delivering progressive, early childhood, Balanced Learning® curriculum throughout their preschools.

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Lying in Children

Happy Monday! Today I'm reposting one of my most read posts- it's about lying in children. Did you know that by age four, 90% of children tell lies? But some research suggests that if your child is lying by the age of 2, he may be getting a little head start on a certain type of thought development. So what should you do when your child lies to you?

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Does your child lie? Does it appall you? You’re not alone. And I’ll tell you something that will shock you: it’s completely normal and may even indicate that you have a smarty pants on your hands! Some research suggests that if your child is showing these skills as early as two, he may be showing early signs of high intelligence!

Okay, I’m going to get researchy for a second. Lying usually emerges in children around age 3 and is often the first sign that children are developing a theory of mind. Theory of mind is the ability to simulate in your own mind what others are thinking. Think of it as ‘putting yourself in someone else’s shoes.’ Kids begin to learn this at a young age but they aren’t perfect at it, as you well know.

Take this example: You buy some new red nail polish. The nice, $9, OPI brand. Or China Glaze, whatever. It’s on the counter in your bathroom. When you go in there later, it’s all over the counter, down the cabinet, and running on the floor. You look at your daughter. It’s on her fingers, hands, and face.

“Sweetie, did you open mommy’s nail polish?” I know she did, obviously, because it’s all over her.

“No.” She was in the kitchen. She didn’t see me.

At this young age, kids can’t yet put together all the evidence: that even though mom didn’t see me get into the nail polish, she’ll know it was me because I’m covered in it.

What’s hard as a parent is realizing that our children aren’t lying to ‘be bad.’ They’re not trying to be malicious and untruthful- they are merely practicing this newfound skill. So while it’s frustrating and patience-trying, it’s completely normal for your child to test out his new ‘lying’ skills. And exhale- there’s no link between childhood lies and later big-time fibbing like cheating on taxes or cheating on spouses.

But we still want our kids to know the importance of honesty. So what can you, as a parent, do to help your child learn that lying isn’t okay? Here are a few ideas:

• Teach the difference between fantasy and reality. When sharing a book or watching a television show, talk to your child about why what he’s seeing isn’t real. In the same vein, recap actual experiences with your child (going to the zoo, the doctor, grandma’s)
• When your child lies, comment on the positive intent. Your child wasn’t intentionally trying to anger you. Instead of ‘Why would you get into my nail polish?! Do you have any idea how hard this is to clean up?!’ try, ‘I bet you really wanted pretty red nails like mommy, huh? You know you’re not allowed to paint your nails yourself (ß that part can be stern), so why don’t you let me help you?’
• Don’t set your child up to lie. For example, if you know your kiddo has not brushed her teeth as she’s hopping into bed, don’t ask knowingly ‘did you brush your teeth?’- she’s likely to tell you she has because she knows that’s what you want to hear. Instead, play dumb. Say, ‘Okay, let’s go brush your teeth!’ If she’s already done it, trust me, she’ll tell you!
• Praise the truth when your child does tell it. Even if it means your child has misbehaved, recognizing that your child has told you the truth will encourage him to do so again in the future.

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Beyond French Fries and Chicken Fingers: How to Handle Your Picky Eater

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Do you have a picky eater on your hands? First off, you’re not alone. Picky eating is very common in toddlers and preschoolers, who are discovering and expressing their newfound independence. The good news: it subsides and eventually fades away in most children as they grow. The bad news: you still have to deal with it for now. Below are some questions you may be asking yourself daily (or hourly) as you and your child engage in a battle of wills different challenges during mealtime.

My child won’t eat anything except french fries, ketchup, and chicken fingers. What else can I do???

Number one: Be patient. According to researcher Dr. Shayla Holub of the Healthy Development Project at the University of Texas at Dallas, all children, not just picky eaters,  need to taste a new food 8-15 times before they accept it. And that’s taste it, not just see it. How many times do you normally have your child try a new food before you both give up?

Next, model eating new foods with a good attitude. Ever heard the phrase ‘do as I say, not as I do’? Well, kids do as you do, so make sure that your kiddos see you eating a variety of healthy foods with a good attitude.

I tell my child that if he doesn’t eat everything on his plate, he can’t have dessert. Is this okay?

Did you know that even very young children are able to internally regulate their own calorie intake? In other words, they know when they’re full- you don’t have to make them finish every meal because they’re able to tell on their own whether they need more food or not!

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Second, research suggests a certain ‘forbidden fruit’ effect when parents do things like make children finish one part of a meal in order to get dessert. It makes one part of the meal an obstacle, something to ‘get through’ to get to the ‘forbidden fruit,’ or the ‘good part.’ In essence, it’s telling the child, ‘You have to eat this [chicken and broccoli] to get this [delicious ice cream], so there must be something horrible and bad about the chicken and broccoli.’

But really, we want our children to want to eat the chicken and broccoli, right? So what do we do? Encourage a healthy balance and don’t make dessert conditional upon eating the main course. Or, I wonder what the harm would be in serving dessert with the main course...would your child eat it first and then not be hungry? Then serve a much smaller dessert serving.

Should I make an entirely separate meal for my child just because she’s picky?

No. But do involve your child in meal planning- and make it fun! Here are a few ideas for your picky eater:

• Give her choices for dinner that don’t always include her usual picky favorites. If you have multiple children, let each child choose one dish at each meal.
• Make it a game- for example, eat a ‘rainbow,’ a ‘flag,’ or anything else you can think of and see how many different colors you can include in your meal (e.g., blueberries=blue, tomatoes=red, rice=brown/white)
• Eat the alphabet- Celery, cut just right, can be ‘C’s, grapes can be ‘O’s, what else can you think of?
• Call food fun names- I didn’t think of this one, but try calling broccoli ‘jungle trees’ or oatmeal ‘quick sand’ and letting raisins get ‘caught’

Remember, mealtime with your picky eater can be tough. But with patience, a good attitude, and a little creativity, it can be enjoyable (and nutritious) for both of you!

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