Unsolicited Mommy Advice: How to Deal

**Update: Due to severe weather in Texas, I'll be on CBS 11 this Friday talking about unsolicited mommy advice, not today :) I'll post the clip then!

Be sure to check back later tonight for my CBS 11 clip on this topic!

Today I'm reposting one of my most read/searched/commented on posts- getting unsolicited mommy advice from others and how to handle it. Enjoy!

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You’ve all gotten it.

‘She still uses a pacifier?’ accompanied with raised eyebrows and a glance downward.

‘He sure is…active. My boys were not allowed to run around the store or else we left.’

‘You know you should try…’

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Parent of the Week: Karen

Today we honor Karen, an amazing mother of 3 who shares her story of finding out that one of her daughters had a rare muscle disorder- what that meant for her, her daughter, and the rest of her family. Read on in admiration at her strength, positivity, and confidence in her daughter. It will truly warm your heart. 


REMEMBER: If you’d like to be a Parent of the Week, or if you’d like to nominate someone, simply email me at deluna.jamie@gmail.com. It’s that easy!

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Enabling Faith

How truly exciting it was to be asked to be Parent of the Week. Being a mom of three, with one being special needs, I welcome any opportunity to share my story in hope of helping other families and raising awareness.

My name is Karen. My amazing husband and I live in a suburb of Dallas, Texas, and we have three wonderful angels for children. They range in age from 14 to 10 years.

My life drastically changed with the birth of my youngest daughter.  Having no warning at all, she was born with a rare muscle disorder called Arthrogryposis Multiplex Congenita (AMC).  Unfortunately, she was born with a severe form of it involving fused ribs, fused spine, inability to swallow, and brittle bones.  The prognosis was extremely bleak, with the physicians giving her six months to live, tops.  Being a Christian woman, and from a wonderful supportive family, I told the doctor ‘thank you for your “prediction”, but I’ll take it from here’.  I refused to accept his prediction.  We went for five months before I was able to get her an appointment at the amazing Scottish Rite Hospital in Dallas. There, the orthopedist diagnosed her with AMC and filled us in on what the disorder was.  I immediately began researching and looking for those familiar with AMC and how to treat it in the best way possible to give her quality of life. It was a long challenging road due to the rarity of the disorder.  However, while doing research one night while sitting up with my daughter, I ran across a wonderful website.  Low and behold, an actual support group for AMC.  I sat and cried and cried.  What a relief to finally find others that have experienced all the trials and tribulations I have.  From that day forward I have benefited from knowing other families from around the world, sharing ideas, contacts, joys and yes, even sorrows.  The support group has become my extended family by all means. 

Little did I know that my life would soon require me to do juggling acts.  Forty hour work weeks, soccer practices, football practices, parent conferences and the never ending scheduling of seven different physicians, four different therapies and 120 hours a week of nursing schedules, sleep was hard to come by.  Somehow though things fell into place, and my children got what they needed. 

My oldest two children have had huge adjustments in their lives. From being the babies and having a lot of mom’s attention, to having to “wait their turn” to get attention from mom.  The never-ending revolving door of nurses in our home day and night for years had their toll on everyone.  However, my children are extremely strong and have learned so much from their little sister, and likewise I’ve learned from my children.  The experience has given everyone a whole new view on life; more compassion, care, patience, and a better understanding of what life is like for a disabled child and to be his/her family.

Throughout the years, I have had low times where I asked why God would put us through this? Why he would put my daughter through this? I feel that angels are sent to us in disguise.  Maybe to give us a wakeup call, saying ‘hey, you are not on the right path, there is much more for you to do and see’. I truly believe I was sent an angel to teach me, and I am extremely blessed to be one of the chosen ones.

For more information on Arthrogryposis Multiplex Congenita: 

AMC Support Group: www.amcsupport.org

Facebook group as Arthrogryposis Multiplex Congenita Support, Inc.

My blog: www.enablingfaith.wordpress.com

AMC Documentary in progress: http://www.amcdocumentary.org/

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Karen and past Parents of the Week, feel free to grab the award badge:

<center><a href="http://avantgardeparenting.blogspot.com/"><img border="0" src=" http://i911.photobucket.com/albums/ac319/avantgardeparenting/ParentoftheWeek.jpg " /></a></center>

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Helping Children Break Bad Habits

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Picking noses. Biting nails. Twirling hair. Bad habits in children can be downright frustrating for parents. But what’s the right course of action? Here are a few tips to help you decode your child’s behavior and get him or her on the right track!

1. Figure out what’s behind the behavior - Lots of kids (and adults!) bite their nails or twirl their hair because they are bored are stressed. If this is true for your child, find a positive outlet for the stress or an activity to keep her hands occupied, such as:
• Stress balls
• For girls, get a manicure- having freshly polished nails may make her less likely to mess them up!
• Silly putty
• A note pad and colored pencils
• A few pretty fashion rings
2. Remember: kids are still learning – and a booger in your nose is annoying! Even though, as adults, we instinctively reach for a tissue, young children don’t have the mental toolbox to remember even simple alternatives to nose picking like grabbing a tissue.
• Give a gentle reminder. Every time. Even though it’s frustrating to say it 934390589308 times, remind yourself that your child is not picking his nose to spite you.
• Consider purchasing a travel pack of tissues for your child to keep in his pocket (or her purse!).
3. Let your child make real choices - Sometimes bad habits reflect your child wanting to be in control in other areas of his life.
• Letting your child make real choices whenever possible will help him feel in control and reduce stress and frustration.
• Let your child have a say in choices such as:
• What to have for meals
• What to wear each day
• Which flavor of toothpaste to use (keep one or two on hand)
• Whether to go to bed at 7:30 or 7:40 ß see this simple way to let your child make a real choice?!
4. If you are concerned, seek help
• If you live in the Dallas/Fort Worth area, the UTD Center for Children and Families offers free referrals that will connect you with the right resources for your child. Call 972-883-4827
• The American Psychological Association offers this handy online search tool to locate a provider in your area

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Answering the Tough Questions

The tough questions. The questions every parent dreads. You know- the birds and the bees. What happens when you die? Why doesn't my sister have a pee pee? What's the F-word? Here's a quick guide so that you won't get caught off guard! 

1. Keep answers simple and age appropriate – What a 3 year-old wants or needs to know about where babies come from is very different from what an 8 year-old wants or needs to know about the same topic. Though it might be easy and tempting to launch into an all-out medical explanation with your preschooler, your 3 year-old will likely be satisfied with a simple answer such as ‘they come from mommies’ tummies.’

2. If you’re not sure how to answer, lead with ‘Great question. What do you think?’ – This buys you a little time and lets you find out what your child already knows about the topic, which will help you tailor your answer to what your child is really asking.

3. Don’t lie – Especially with older children/teens and topics such as drug and alcohol use, your adolescents can smell a rat from a mile away and lying will only cause you to lose your credibility with your children. Instead, handle these questions with the truth coupled with the negative consequences you encountered by engaging in such activities.

4. Find out what your child is really asking – By asking him questions (e.g., ‘Tell me a little more about what you’re thinking.’ ‘What made you think of that?’) Many times when children ask about difficult topics such as death or mom and dad fighting, they are really just looking for empathy. Show sensitivity by identifying with your child’s emotions, whether s/he is sad, scared, or angry.

How do you handle the tough questions? 

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Handling Sibling Rivalry

Sibling rivalry. If you’ve been there, you know how stressful it can be. Sibling fights can be some of the most intense, heated arguments known to man- and 5 minutes later they are laughing and playing like nothing happened. But in hopes of avoiding some of those moments of sheer pull-your-hair-out frustration, here are a few tips to remember:

1. Spend time with each child individually. Yes, your children know you love them, but they still crave time with you alone- away from everyone else. Spending time with children individually will suppress the need to compete with each other for your time and attention. Try devoting 15 minutes with a special book with each child nightly. Avoid speaking about siblings during your one-on-one time.

2. Don’t compare. I talked about this in a recent post about handling losing. It goes for sibling relationships, too. Each of your children is unique and special- make them feel that way. Don’t compare them with each other, as doing so will only heat up the competition between them.

3. Model appropriate problem solving behavior. Children do what they see and problem solving is no exception. Model appropriate behavior by being calm and respectful of others, even (especially?!) when things become heated. Help them learn to take turns talking and listening to each other and compromising by showing them how you do this in your own life.

4. Know the difference between ‘fair’ and ‘equal.’ Unfortunately, there is no ‘one size fits all’ for parenting and you just won’t be able to treat each child equally across the board (and you’ll go crazy trying). Being fair is a much more attainable goal because it can look different for different children. Fair means each child gets what he or she needs (or, in many situations, wants), and that is very possible in most situations.

How do you handle sibling rivalry?

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Helping Kids Handle Losing

When I was 6, I played soccer. Our team was called 'The Hornets,' only we were nothing like any hornets I've ever experienced. We didn't swarm the ball, we certainly didn't swarm the other team's goal, and I'm fairly confident that no opposing team felt our 'sting' all season. Sigh. 

Our fearless leader, Coach Sherry, reminded us to hustle over orange slices and gatorade on the sidelines. She was ever upbeat and encouraging. I remember one game in particular- I was running with the ball at my feet, no one in sight! I was heading straight for the goal and no one could stop me- not even the goalie, who, oddly, was nowhere to be seen...Then I heard my team calling my name. It was half time. Darn. How embarrassing. 

The Hornets did not win one game that season and honestly, I'm not sure we scored a goal (that counted). But we had a grand ol' time with Coach Sherry, our teammates, and our orange slices and gatorade. 

Every kid will face losing at some point, whether on the field or on a test or at an audition. It's a tough situation and, of course, your heart breaks as a parent when you see your child at the losing end. Here are some tips to help your child learn from the experience and move forward with a positive attitude:

• Don't compare. Ever. Comparing your child to other children takes the emphasis off of camaraderie and fun. Even more than that, comparisons set your child up for failure in the future. Don't do it. 
• Take the emphasis off of winning all together. Have you ever asked yourself: Why does it have to be about winning in the first place? Even when your child is on the winning end, try concentrating on aspects of activities like teamwork, diligence, and self discipline. 
• Help your child set realistic goals for the future. Realistic goals are SMART: specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and timely. A realistic goal would be to practice the ballet recital dance 15 minutes three times per week. And UNrealistic goal would be to move from level 1 ballet class to level 5 by the end of the year.

How do you help your child handle losing? 

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Tough Stuff: Handling the Loss of a Pet

You dread it even though you know it’s coming. Not only does the death of a family pet break your child’s heart, it also breaks your heart, and it hurts you that it hurts your child. It’s a tough situation to navigate, especially with young children who don’t quite understand the concept of death yet (and really, do any of us?).

I remember when our family dog, Max, died. I was in first grade. Max was old and he had one bottom tooth that had somehow gotten jarred so that it stuck straight out like a tusk, even when his mouth was closed. We lovingly called him Snaggle-Tooth. Max had gotten overweight in his senior years and my sister gladly aided in this endeavor by sitting on his back in the garage and feeding him her leftover Halloween candy. Max happily obliged, chewing with all but his snaggle tooth. One day- the details here are hazy- but one day I came home from school and Max wasn’t in the garage. Max had died, my mother told me. I went up into my favorite tree in the front yard- the tree where I could sit and bend at the waist the limbs supported my back and legs- and I cried.

Max, pre snaggle-tooth. He may be looking at you with those sad,
SPCA commercial eyes, but I assure you he lived a long, happy,
candy-filled life. See how his belly just hangs in the back? Yep.

Years later my parents told me that they had put Max to sleep. He had cancer and was suffering- it was the best decision. My mom had gone with and comforted him the whole way through. We eventually got another dog- Fudgie (named after the book Superfudge and a sly but genius move on the part of my sister to off her then nickname to the family pet) but Max always held a special, snaggle-toothed place in my heart.

I don’t think there’s an easy way to handle the death of a pet with young children. There’s not an easy way to tell them, an easy way to help them grieve, or an easy way to help them understand it. But based on my own experience and what I know about children and how their minds work, here’s what I would suggest:

• Be sensitive, of course. Let them be upset. Don’t point out reasons why they shouldn’t be upset (he lived a long life, think of all the good times). Save those for a little later, after the upset has had time to sink in.
• Answer tough questions the best you can, but keep age in mind. Questions about death will inevitably come up, but keep in mind that young children don’t require a complicated answer. If you’re religious- ‘She went to Heaven’ may do quite nicely. If not, ‘Well, we’ll bury her in the backyard’ may be a sufficient answer for your youngster. Long, complicated answers may just confuse children more.
• Don’t talk about getting another pet right away. Give your child time to fully grieve the loss.
• In contrast, don’t say, ‘We’re never getting another dog/cat/hamster again!’ This will hurt your child’s feelings and make your child feel like you think the pet was not an important part of the family. Even if you feel this way, keep the feelings to yourself while your child grieves.

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Tough Stuff: When a Parent is in Jail/Prison

It’s a scary thought- that either you or your child’s other parent could wind up in jail. An even scarier thought? That your child would have to face the reality of having an incarcerated parent. But it is the reality for about 3 million kids every day.

It’s easy to say ‘that would never happen to my family.’ It’s also very easy to judge the families that it happens to. One of the smartest things I’ve ever heard was told to me by a mentor in college: ‘On the whole, most every parent is trying to do the very best for his or her child.’ In short: don’t judge parents.

In situations where one or both parents are incarcerated, it’s up to the other parent or some other caregiver (often a grandparent, aunt, uncle, foster parent) to care for the child, who will undoubtedly have many questions about where his or her parent is. Unfortunately, very few resources exist for these caregivers. However, one book that tackles this extremely tough situation is What Will Happen To Me? By Howard Zehr and Lorraine Stutzman Amstutz.

What Will Happen To Me? profiles several children, giving glimpses into their thoughts and emotions when they had to deal with having an incarcerated parent. But, in my opinion, the crème de la crème of this book is the latter half that gives caregivers a guide to caring for children who have a parent in jail or prison. The guide takes caregivers through:

• Questions frequently asked by children and suggested answers based on the opinions of early childhood experts and rules of the prison systems
• Dealing with specific emotions children may experience as a result of having an incarcerated parent
• The logistics of staying in touch with incarcerated parents
• Handling the return of a parent from jail or prison
• Self care for caregivers
• A ‘Bill of Rights’ for children of incarcerated parents

The book is great and based on the guide, here are a few take home points:

1.     Always tell children the truth about where their parent is

2.     Children will need lots of reassurance regarding their emotions and feelings during this difficult time

3.     Communication with the parent is important, if possible

4.     Self care for the caregiver is important, as is an outlet for emotions

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