A while ago I posted on lying in children. It has ended up being one of my most read posts. So read, that I did a CBS 11 segment on it. So read, that I'm giving a talk on it today. So read, that I decided to add some more information.
You can read the original post and watch the CBS clip here but to quickly recap: children don't lie to be bad. Are you shocked? Don't be. Kiddos may be avoiding punishment, yes, but in reality they are practicing a new skill they're learning- that I know something you don't know. I can lie to you about it and you won't know that I'm not telling you the truth.
But why do kids lie? Where does it come from?
Lying comes from a bigger set of skills called Theory of Mind. It's this idea that we can know about our own thoughts and also the thoughts of others. I can know for example, that you're reading this and assume I'm a professional and am giving you credible information. So I could, in theory, be making all of this up. But I also know enough about other people's motives to know that you could find out that I'm not giving you credible information. You could, in essence, find out whether I'm a liar. So I'll tell you the truth :)
When your child is frustrated, it can be equally frustrating for you, especially if you have a young preschooler who can't yet express everything he needs and wants. Your first reaction may be avoidance- to turn away and let your child figure it on on his own. Or, you may enter into a frustration battle with your child that ends up with both of you melting down.
Next time, try connecting with your child by saying this: How can I help you right now? It will challenge her to use her words and think through her emotions, why she's frustrated, and what she needs in the situation. And it will help you connect with your child in a way that will be meaningful and work through the frustration more quickly :)
Though this blog is geared toward preschoolers, get ready, because preschoolers because preschoolers grow up to be teenagers! So today I mixed it up a bit today on CBS 11 and talked about fighting with teenagers- enjoy!
**UPDATE: Whoops! I goofed on dates and actually talked about fighting with your teenagers today on CBS 11. I promise that, when I do talk about sharing, I'll post the clip :)
Be sure to check back later tonight for my CBS 11 clip on this topic!
Is your child good at sharing? No? Well, get with the program, because your preschooler should be a sharing pro.
KIDDING.
The truth is that preschoolers just aren’t good at sharing. We all know this. What’s interesting is that, even when children know that they should share, they still have a really hard time doing it. You know this as parents, but the research supports it, too. In fact, one study found that 100% of 6-12 year olds know that not sharing is wrong and another study found that even preschoolers know that a pile of candy should be split evenly between two people...but kids still have trouble sharing!
Why? The research jury is still out, but it’s likely that desire is so strong at young ages that it trumps everything else. Very young children just have a lot of trouble overriding the desire for a toy (or a sticker, or a treat, or what have you) in order to share with someone else.
Choosing your battles. If you fought every battle with your child, you’d never stop fighting. If you didn’t engage in any negotiation, you’d miss valuable, ahem, teaching moments in which your child learns to get along, trust, and let others lead. So, what’s the right balance? Here a few tips for the exhausted momma (and daddy) on choosing your battles:
1. Safety – When it comes to safety, it’s a no-brainer. Engage in the battle. You’re the parent and you’re responsible for seeing to it that your child does not hurt him/herself or another child. This includes physical hurts as well as emotional hurts.
2.Say yes when you can – Children like to have control over their own lives and feel like they are making important decisions that affect them. Saying yes to everyday battles like what to wear to school outside staying outside 5 more minutes saves you the heartache of argument and allows your child to exercise independence. Say something like, “I can hear that you are really having a fun time with your friends outside and would like to finish up for a few more minutes. I’ll set the egg timer for 5 minutes and when it goes off, it will be time to come inside and hop in the bath.” Quick tip: think to yourself ‘Will it hurt my child? Will it greatly affect the rest of our day?” If the answer is no, challenge yourself to say ‘yes’.
3.Listen to your child’s opinions – Even if you know that the eventual answer will be ‘no,’ listen to your 7-year-old’s reasons for wanting to stay up past midnight on a school night or your 5-year-old’s argument for why it really would be a good idea to get 4 family puppies. Just like adults, when children feel heard, the let down is much easier. When appropriate, offer an alternative- say, staying up until 10pm on a Friday, or going to visit the SPCA one weekend.
4.When you negotiate, really negotiate – Children, even young ones, understand when their ideas are being considered versus when they’re being shut down.
First, use phrases like “I hear that you want...” and “It sounds like what you’re asking for is...,” followed by “Is that right?” This way, you make sure you’ve got all your facts straight.
Next, state your side (if different from your child’s) by saying something like “My issue is that if we...then....” or “Hmm, I’m concerned that...”
See if your child has any solutions, or introduce a possible solution with a phrase like “Here’s an idea:”
Battles and power struggles with kids can be tricky, but don’t always have to be stressful. Knowing when to let go and knowing how to handle the ones you choose to take on can make all the difference!
Hello, welcome to my blog. I am a newbie in online business. Singleparent-s.blogspot.com is a blog which I dedicate to the Internet, with the hope that can be useful for others who need information about parenting and single parent. I really enjoy and make an online business not only as a job but also an useful hobby. Hope you find the information you need in this blog. * Susila Dewi is a pseudonym adopted for professional reasons.
