Tantrum Tip: Keep it Simple and Redirect

You can feel it coming. The pressure is building. You know the flood gates are about to open and the tantrum is about to start because your child wants a toy / a toy was taken out of your child's hands / it's time to go / it's not time to go / it's bedtime / you said no to ice cream / he hasn't had a nap. Whatever the reason, your kiddo is C-R-A-N-K-Y. And a tantrum is on the way. 

A quick tip for dealing with those 'on the verge of waterworks' moments is: Keep it simple and redirect.

First, Keep it simple. Kids on the verge of tears don't have the energy or capacity to understand your long, complicated explanation for why you said no to ice cream. They care about the bottom line- no ice cream. Keep your explanation short and sweet (Another pun. I am on a roll.)- "Ice cream is for after dinner," or "Ice cream is for special occasions."

Second, Redirect. Move your child's attention to something else entirely. "Hey, look! That lady is walking a dog just like ours! Should we ask her if we can pet it?!" or (say you're at the mall) "Don't you have a gift card to the Lego store? It's right around the corner!"

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Parenting Quick Challenge: Bedtime Rituals

When I was young, my mom and I had this bedtime ritual. We did it every night without fail. At the risk of you thinking we were crazy (we were, a little), here's what it was: I would stand on my bed facing my mother, which put me at roughly at the same height as her. We had a little made up song and dance that we did. It lasted maybe ten seconds, max. It involved fist and elbow swinging along with just a tad of hip swaying. I won't sing you the song but suffice it to say that it was silly. Each night after said production, I jumped into the lying position to receive my bedtime story and 'wind down' (one terrible, fateful night, this 'jump' involved me breaking my thumb. That is another post entirely.).


The point is: I'm now twenty-seven years old a grown adult and I still remember it. Even the song. It was 'our thing.' For me as a child, it was predictable. I knew I could count on it as a part of my bedtime routine. It was comforting. Even if I had had a rotten day, singing and dancing with my mom ended it on a good note (get it?! note?! I really should go into comedy...). And it connected me with my mom. I could call my mother up this second and she could sing the song to me. 


Here's the challenge: Create a special bedtime ritual with your child. It does not need to be a full out stage production, just something quick and special that helps you and your child have a special moment at the end of each day. Here are a few ideas:

• Have special bedtime words, for example: "Goodnight, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite, and if they do then smack 'em, smack 'em, smack 'em right!"
• Talk about your favorite thing that happened during the day
• Talk about what you're looking forward to about tomorrow

What did you come up with? Do you already do this? Tell me about it!

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Bedtime Woes

Do you dread your child’s bedtime? Does your kiddo coerce you to lay in bed with him until he falls asleep (which takes 3 hours because he wills himself to stay awake)? Does she wake up eleventy times during the night, wanting each time to get in bed with you? Do you wake up in the morning feeling like you haven’t slept (because you haven’t)?



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I can only imagine how frustrated you are because I’m fairly certain I was that child for my parents. I used to make one of my parents sit by my bed until I fell asleep. Then, I would make myself stay awake because I thought, “Well, if I just stay awake, mom won’t leave because she said she stay until I’m asleep.” I literally have a memory of my father reading through the entire newspaper next to my bed. When I was a bit older, I used to make myself stay awake all night because I was so scared of being alone at night in my room. To this day, I have no idea why I was so scared. I ended up co-sleeping with my parents (much to their dismay) until I was about 10- and I think it lasted so long because I knew I was in charge of the situation and could manipulate it to my satisfaction.

Wanting to control a situation is extremely common in children, even very young ones. If we’re being honest, it’s common in people of all ages. I personally always recommend parents helping their children to feel in control of their world. I think about it in terms of trying to find a way to say ‘yes’ instead of ‘no.’ (did you see my post on letting your child have control in appropriate ways?) For children especially, the things they want control over may seem silly or trivial, but, for many things, if it’s not hurting them or someone else, why not? Plus, letting them have control in lots of little situations often leads to less resistance when you need to control other situations.

Bedtime is no different:

• Let her choose the jammies
• Let him choose which bedtime story to read
• Let her say goodnight to her toys
• Let him choose a special stuffed animal to sleep with each night

So what about the problems after the lights are out? From a developmental point of view, many times, 'sleeping' problems in children have less to do with sleep and more to do with what we researchers call 'goodness of fit,' which is a fancy way of saying that there may be something(s) in his environment that doesn't work for him and it manifests in the form of a problem at bedtime. That is, the symptom of a bedtime problem may be due to something completely different than bedtime. (So, for example, a child may crave more 'mom' time during the day and acting out at bedtime is a way of getting that attention.)

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Where the ‘goodness of fit’ for bedtime comes in is finding a solution that works for both of you- finding a compromise by which both parties are feeling like their needs are met. Some children may need to have a parent close to them while they’re sleeping, whether at the beginning of the night or after nighttime wakings. Try making a bed of blankets with a pillow at the end of mom and dad’s bed. During the night, if she wakes up, she can come sleep on that with the understanding that she must be quiet or else she goes back to her own room. This will fulfill her need of having a parent close by and also teach her to self-sooth. More importantly, it might give her a sense of control for handling this problem on her own.

Now, I completely expect her to violate the ‘quiet’ rule a few (or many) times. I would attempt to battle that with the following: take her back to her bed and tell her she can come back to the pallet when she is ready, but the quiet rule still applies.

Here are some other ideas:

• Routine. Routine. Routine. Have one. Stick to it.

• Bedtime checklist. Not a reward chart, just a checklist, so that your kiddo knows exactly what to expect each night. Checking bedtime tasks (tooth brushing, bath, etc) will help her feel more in control.
• Hear what she’s saying. Be there for her, but help her regulate. “I hear that you don’t want to go to bed. Can I snuggle next to you to help you feel better or can you work it out on your own?”
• Bedtime guidelines like talking in a whisper or a soft voice for 30 minutes before bed will help him ‘put on the brakes’ and calm down.

Good luck, parents, as you battle bedtime. As in all matters child, I know that it is easier said than done. I hope that this provides some help and insight.

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