A while ago I posted on lying in children. It has ended up being one of my most read posts. So read, that I did a CBS 11 segment on it. So read, that I'm giving a talk on it today. So read, that I decided to add some more information.
You can read the original post and watch the CBS clip here but to quickly recap: children don't lie to be bad. Are you shocked? Don't be. Kiddos may be avoiding punishment, yes, but in reality they are practicing a new skill they're learning- that I know something you don't know. I can lie to you about it and you won't know that I'm not telling you the truth.
But why do kids lie? Where does it come from?
Lying comes from a bigger set of skills called Theory of Mind. It's this idea that we can know about our own thoughts and also the thoughts of others. I can know for example, that you're reading this and assume I'm a professional and am giving you credible information. So I could, in theory, be making all of this up. But I also know enough about other people's motives to know that you could find out that I'm not giving you credible information. You could, in essence, find out whether I'm a liar. So I'll tell you the truth :)
A recent study that polled over 200,000 people around the globe found that parents of young children are- wait for it- not quite as happy as parents of older children. Surprised? Well, say researchers, the answers may lie in the very simple, everyday tasks that stress out parents of very young children: diaper changes, night-time wakings, temper tantrums and the like. More still, young children use resources you may not be thinking of (or maybe you are) on a day to day basis: they take time away from you and your partner, your friends, and money out of your wallet. And even though parents love the snookers out of their little ones, it's a tough job, and one that may be affecting your happiness.
In a fascinating study that came out last month in the journal Psychological Science, researchers from the University of Maryland found that preschoolers with depressed mothers became more stressed out during mildly stressful experiences than children without depressed mothers, but only if their mothers exhibited a negative parenting style.
Let’s break it down. The researchers put preschoolers in mildly stressful situations when they participated in the research experiment, like interacting with a stranger or giving them a locked transparent box with a fun toy inside but no way to open it. They measured cortisol, a stress hormone, both before and after the stressful experiences. When we’re stressed out, our cortisol levels increase. The researchers found that the cortisol levels increased the most in kiddos who had moms who 1.Were depressed and 2.Displayed a negative parenting style.
What is meant by negative parenting style? I’m so glad you asked. In the kind of work I do, negative, or hostile, parenting is defined as parental behaviors that express anger, frustration, and/or criticism toward the child. At the extreme end, think put-downs, yelling, blaming. At the milder end, think sarcasm or frustrated insistence that a child do a task a certain way.
I'm excited to bring you a guest article from Alina Tugend, author of Better by Mistake: The Unexpected Benefits of Being Wrong. Goodness knows that I'm wrong. A lot. I'm so excited to read this book and learn about how we can actually benefit, and help children benefit, from learning from our mistakes rather than dwelling on them...enjoy!
Children and Mistakes
by Alina Tugend,
Author of Better By Mistake: The Unexpected Benefits of Being Wrong
It's crucial that we, as parents, allow our children to make mistakes and fail and figure out how to recover from them. We can't rush in and fix every problem, whether it be forgotten homework, an awkward social encounter or not getting a part in the school play.
We know from research that building children's self-esteem and self-worth is much less about praise and gold stars and trophies for everyone and much more about creating resilience. Children who know how to screw up and fail and try again.
"While we do not want our children to face ongoing failure, to attempt to overprotect them and rush in whenever we fear they might fail at a task robs them of an important lesson, namely that mistakes are experiences from which to learn," writes Robert Brooks and Sam Goldstein in their book Nurturing Resilience in Our Children. "It also communicates another subtle or perhaps not-so-subtle message to a child: We don't think you are strong enough to deal with obstacles and mistakes."
It's not that resilient children don't feel bad about their mistakes and failures, but they don't see themselves as failures. Too often children who think that messing up means they're losers quit tasks, blame others and deny responsibility.
But, as we know, nothing in parenting is black and white. It's fine to theoretically say that all children must make mistakes and fail, but when it's our children, all that great insight can go out the window. Or as my sister said when her nine-year-old was having a particularly tough baseball season, "I just don't want to be there when he strikes out."
What parent hasn't felt he or she would do anything to stop the tears? Or even worse, knowing there's something we can do and chose not to because our son or daughter has to learn a lesson.
So here are some thoughts that I keep in mind during the treacherous journey of parenthood:
Picking noses. Biting nails. Twirling hair. Bad habits in children can be downright frustrating for parents. But what’s the right course of action? Here are a few tips to help you decode your child’s behavior and get him or her on the right track!
Figure out what’s behind the behavior - Lots of kids (and adults!) bite their nails or twirl their hair because they are bored are stressed. If this is true for your child, find a positive outlet for the stress or an activity to keep her hands occupied, such as:
Stress balls
For girls, get a manicure- having freshly polished nails may make her less likely to mess them up!
Silly putty
A note pad and colored pencils
A few pretty fashion rings
Remember: kids are still learning – and a booger in your nose is annoying! Even though, as adults, we instinctively reach for a tissue, young children don’t have the mental toolbox to remember even simple alternatives to nose picking like grabbing a tissue.
Give a gentle reminder. Every time. Even though it’s frustrating to say it 934390589308 times, remind yourself that your child is not picking his nose to spite you.
Consider purchasing a travel pack of tissues for your child to keep in his pocket (or her purse!).
Let your child make real choices - Sometimes bad habits reflect your child wanting to be in control in other areas of his life.
Letting your child make real choices whenever possible will help him feel in control and reduce stress and frustration.
Let your child have a say in choices such as:
What to have for meals
What to wear each day
Which flavor of toothpaste to use (keep one or two on hand)
Whether to go to bed at 7:30 or 7:40 ß see this simple way to let your child make a real choice?!
If you are concerned, seek help
If you live in the Dallas/Fort Worth area, the UTD Center for Children and Families offers free referrals that will connect you with the right resources for your child. Call 972-883-4827
The American Psychological Association offers this handy online search tool to locate a provider in your area
The tough questions. The questions every parent dreads. You know- the birds and the bees. What happens when you die? Why doesn't my sister have a pee pee? What's the F-word? Here's a quick guide so that you won't get caught off guard!
1. Keep answers simple and age appropriate – What a 3 year-old wants or needs to know about where babies come from is very different from what an 8 year-old wants or needs to know about the same topic. Though it might be easy and tempting to launch into an all-out medical explanation with your preschooler, your 3 year-old will likely be satisfied with a simple answer such as ‘they come from mommies’ tummies.’
2. If you’re not sure how to answer, lead with ‘Great question. What do you think?’ – This buys you a little time and lets you find out what your child already knows about the topic, which will help you tailor your answer to what your child is really asking.
3. Don’t lie – Especially with older children/teens and topics such as drug and alcohol use, your adolescents can smell a rat from a mile away and lying will only cause you to lose your credibility with your children. Instead, handle these questions with the truth coupled with the negative consequences you encountered by engaging in such activities.
4. Find out what your child is really asking – By asking him questions (e.g., ‘Tell me a little more about what you’re thinking.’ ‘What made you think of that?’) Many times when children ask about difficult topics such as death or mom and dad fighting, they are really just looking for empathy. Show sensitivity by identifying with your child’s emotions, whether s/he is sad, scared, or angry.
Sibling rivalry. If you’ve been there, you know how stressful it can be. Sibling fights can be some of the most intense, heated arguments known to man- and 5 minutes later they are laughing and playing like nothing happened. But in hopes of avoiding some of those moments of sheer pull-your-hair-out frustration, here are a few tips to remember:
1. Spend time with each child individually. Yes, your children know you love them, but they still crave time with you alone- away from everyone else. Spending time with children individually will suppress the need to compete with each other for your time and attention. Try devoting 15 minutes with a special book with each child nightly. Avoid speaking about siblings during your one-on-one time.
2. Don’t compare. I talked about this in a recent post about handling losing. It goes for sibling relationships, too. Each of your children is unique and special- make them feel that way. Don’t compare them with each other, as doing so will only heat up the competition between them.
3. Model appropriate problem solving behavior. Children do what they see and problem solving is no exception. Model appropriate behavior by being calm and respectful of others, even (especially?!) when things become heated. Help them learn to take turns talking and listening to each other and compromising by showing them how you do this in your own life.
4. Know the difference between ‘fair’ and ‘equal.’ Unfortunately, there is no ‘one size fits all’ for parenting and you just won’t be able to treat each child equally across the board (and you’ll go crazy trying). Being fair is a much more attainable goal because it can look different for different children. Fair means each child gets what he or she needs (or, in many situations, wants), and that is very possible in most situations.
Ann, our Parent of the Week, is someone I know you all will be able to related to. Read on as she talks about how there's really no 'one size fits all' way of parenting. Oh, and did you see her absolutely, breathtakingly precious daughter?!
As always, if you'd like to be a Parent of the Week or would like to nominate someone, email me at deluna.jamie@gmail.com. I look forward to hearing from you!
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Tell me a little about you.
My name is Ann. I've been married to my wonderful husband Daniel for 5 1/2 years. I quit my career to be a stay-at-home mom to our daughter and I'm so happy and grateful that we were able to make that change. We're also expecting our second baby! I'm a proud graduate of the University of Southern California, Fight on Trojans! I love kids, sports, reading, traveling and food. :) We also have two chocolate lab doggies, named Abby and Ace. I'll dance occasionally in the car, these days, it's to amuse my daughter. I also love my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ with all my heart.
Tell me about your little one.
My daughter Alexis is almost 18 months old and is the absolute joy of our lives. She is extremely smart and advanced for her age. She loves the Your Baby Can Read program and can read and say lots of words. The best part is she LOVES books and loves to read with mommy and daddy. She learns something new nearly everyday. She's very sweet and funny and dogs are her favorite thing in the whole world. We love taking walks in the stroller and visiting the dog park near our house. She really likes all other animals too. She prefers peas and fruit to most sweets, but loves chocolate and cookies (such a girl). She's very attached to mommy, and is VERY shy around people she's not around all the time. She knows how to work mommy's iphone and loves swimming. She freaks out at doctors offices, elevators, and anything that resembles a doctor or dentist (not fun.) She'll dance to just about any music, anytime, anywhere. She loves other babies and is very excited about the other baby in mommy's tummy, which is good for us.
What surprised you most about parenting?
The thing that surprised me most was that there are no absolute right ways to do ANYTHING. There are a million different opinions about sleep issues, feeding, nursing/weaning, vaccines, etc. I didn't expect that and it can be quite confusing when trying to figure out something with your child, especially as first-time parents.
How have you had to be Avant Garde as a Parent?
Based on all these different parenting styles, we've pretty much had to try different things based on what we as parents know about Alexis and trust our instincts. We may do things the same or completely different for the next baby. I've learned you can't protect your child from everything and you can't compare yourself to other parents. Every child is unique and different and needs to be raised as such. For example, I know the cry-it-out method works for lots of babies, but we figured out almost immediately that it wasn't going to work for us. Therefore we have had to create our own sleep training program (because the others didn't work) to try and get her out of our bed and into hers (still working on it and praying it works, lol.). Weaning was another thing I had to figure out based on lots of other suggestions that didn't work. Thankfully, she is fully weaned and I'm really happy that we figured out that issue mainly on our own. Parenting is this crazy, sometimes scary, sometimes exhilarating, roller-coaster ride. I wouldn't trade it in for anything and I am so in love with my kids and being a mommy!
Ann and Past Parents of the Week: Feel free to grab the Parent of the Week Badge:
When I was 6, I played soccer. Our team was called 'The Hornets,' only we were nothing like any hornets I've ever experienced. We didn't swarm the ball, we certainly didn't swarm the other team's goal, and I'm fairly confident that no opposing team felt our 'sting' all season. Sigh.
Our fearless leader, Coach Sherry, reminded us to hustle over orange slices and gatorade on the sidelines. She was ever upbeat and encouraging. I remember one game in particular- I was running with the ball at my feet, no one in sight! I was heading straight for the goal and no one could stop me- not even the goalie, who, oddly, was nowhere to be seen...Then I heard my team calling my name. It was half time. Darn. How embarrassing.
The Hornets did not win one game that season and honestly, I'm not sure we scored a goal (that counted). But we had a grand ol' time with Coach Sherry, our teammates, and our orange slices and gatorade.
Every kid will face losing at some point, whether on the field or on a test or at an audition. It's a tough situation and, of course, your heart breaks as a parent when you see your child at the losing end. Here are some tips to help your child learn from the experience and move forward with a positive attitude:
Don't compare. Ever. Comparing your child to other children takes the emphasis off of camaraderie and fun. Even more than that, comparisons set your child up for failure in the future. Don't do it.
Take the emphasis off of winning all together. Have you ever asked yourself: Why does it have to be about winning in the first place? Even when your child is on the winning end, try concentrating on aspects of activities like teamwork, diligence, and self discipline.
Help your child set realistic goals for the future. Realistic goals are SMART: specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and timely. A realistic goal would be to practice the ballet recital dance 15 minutes three times per week. And UNrealistic goal would be to move from level 1 ballet class to level 5 by the end of the year.
You dread it even though you know it’s coming. Not only does the death of a family pet break your child’s heart, it also breaks your heart, and it hurts you that it hurts your child. It’s a tough situation to navigate, especially with young children who don’t quite understand the concept of death yet (and really, do any of us?).
I remember when our family dog, Max, died. I was in first grade. Max was old and he had one bottom tooth that had somehow gotten jarred so that it stuck straight out like a tusk, even when his mouth was closed. We lovingly called him Snaggle-Tooth. Max had gotten overweight in his senior years and my sister gladly aided in this endeavor by sitting on his back in the garage and feeding him her leftover Halloween candy. Max happily obliged, chewing with all but his snaggle tooth. One day- the details here are hazy- but one day I came home from school and Max wasn’t in the garage. Max had died, my mother told me. I went up into my favorite tree in the front yard- the tree where I could sit and bend at the waist the limbs supported my back and legs- and I cried.
Max, pre snaggle-tooth. He may be looking at you with those sad, SPCA commercial eyes, but I assure you he lived a long, happy, candy-filled life. See how his belly just hangs in the back? Yep.
Years later my parents told me that they had put Max to sleep. He had cancer and was suffering- it was the best decision. My mom had gone with and comforted him the whole way through. We eventually got another dog- Fudgie (named after the book Superfudge and a sly but genius move on the part of my sister to off her then nickname to the family pet) but Max always held a special, snaggle-toothed place in my heart.
I don’t think there’s an easy way to handle the death of a pet with young children. There’s not an easy way to tell them, an easy way to help them grieve, or an easy way to help them understand it. But based on my own experience and what I know about children and how their minds work, here’s what I would suggest:
Be sensitive, of course. Let them be upset. Don’t point out reasons why they shouldn’t be upset (he lived a long life, think of all the good times). Save those for a little later, after the upset has had time to sink in.
Answer tough questions the best you can, but keep age in mind. Questions about death will inevitably come up, but keep in mind that young children don’t require a complicated answer. If you’re religious- ‘She went to Heaven’ may do quite nicely. If not, ‘Well, we’ll bury her in the backyard’ may be a sufficient answer for your youngster. Long, complicated answers may just confuse children more.
Don’t talk about getting another pet right away. Give your child time to fully grieve the loss.
In contrast, don’t say, ‘We’re never getting another dog/cat/hamster again!’ This will hurt your child’s feelings and make your child feel like you think the pet was not an important part of the family. Even if you feel this way, keep the feelings to yourself while your child grieves.
It’s a scary thought- that either you or your child’s other parent could wind up in jail. An even scarier thought? That your child would have to face the reality of having an incarcerated parent. But it is the reality for about 3 million kids every day.
It’s easy to say ‘that would never happen to my family.’ It’s also very easy to judge the families that it happens to. One of the smartest things I’ve ever heard was told to me by a mentor in college: ‘On the whole, most every parent is trying to do the very best for his or her child.’ In short: don’t judge parents.
In situations where one or both parents are incarcerated, it’s up to the other parent or some other caregiver (often a grandparent, aunt, uncle, foster parent) to care for the child, who will undoubtedly have many questions about where his or her parent is. Unfortunately, very few resources exist for these caregivers. However, one book that tackles this extremely tough situation is What Will Happen To Me? By Howard Zehr and Lorraine Stutzman Amstutz.
What Will Happen To Me? profiles several children, giving glimpses into their thoughts and emotions when they had to deal with having an incarcerated parent. But, in my opinion, the crème de la crème of this book is the latter half that gives caregivers a guide to caring for children who have a parent in jail or prison. The guide takes caregivers through:
Questions frequently asked by children and suggested answers based on the opinions of early childhood experts and rules of the prison systems
Dealing with specific emotions children may experience as a result of having an incarcerated parent
The logistics of staying in touch with incarcerated parents
Handling the return of a parent from jail or prison
Self care for caregivers
A ‘Bill of Rights’ for children of incarcerated parents
The book is great and based on the guide, here are a few take home points:
1.Always tell children the truth about where their parent is
2.Children will need lots of reassurance regarding their emotions and feelings during this difficult time
3.Communication with the parent is important, if possible
4.Self care for the caregiver is important, as is an outlet for emotions
Every parent wants his or her child to become independent. When children get older and enter adulthood, independence is important so that parents can retire and children are no longer draining their financial resources see their children succeed the way they always knew they would. But when children are younger, independence seems to serve a more immediate need. Whether it’s cleaning up toys, putting away mealtime dishes, or even just moving shoes out of the doorway, once children master the fine art of doing things independently, life seems easier and less stressful for the whole family.
A recent report from the Center on the Social and Emotional Foundations for Early Learning at Vanderbilt University breaks downs simple steps for parents who are in the midst of trying to teach young children how to just ‘put away your shoes, already’ without becoming too frustrated.
Here are some highlights from the report for parents of preschool-aged children:
Break down routines into steps and stay positive. While it’s a knee-jerk reaction to say ‘stop splashing the water!’ it’s much more positive and effective to say ‘all done washing/brushing teeth. Now let’s turn the water off.’
Think of it as a ‘how to’ (remember having to write these in school?). Use words like ‘First’ ‘Next’ ‘Then’ ‘Last’
Be encouraging. Don’t reprimand. This will discourage your child from wanting to perform tasks independently
If your child is reading, consider leaving funny notes- ‘I don’t like to get splashed!’ on the toilet seat, for example
How do you help your child learn independence through routines?
Here's my CBS 11 clip on the topic. Many, many tanks to CBS Dallas for having me- I have such a blast sharing with parents this way! (Read on- there's more below the clip!)
We all heard the story of Tiger Mom- and if you didn’t, here’s a recap: strict, Chinese, Yale law school professor mom raises two daughters the ‘traditional Chinese’ way, according to her- including practices such as forcing them to practice piano pieces for hours at a time with no bathroom breaks and throwing less-than-acceptable Mother’s Day Cards back at them. Her argument? It teaches them to live in the competitive, unforgiving, global society.
My argument? Children need to have a say in their lives (you knew I was going to say that, right?!). When parents outright reject the opinions of their children and exert complete power over them, children cannot grow and develop as independent, self-governing individuals. Think about it: if someone is always making decisions for you (and rejecting the few decisions you do make on your own) how will you ever learn to think on your own and live independently and fearlessly in the world around you?
There’s always the question of: My child is painfully shy/timid. Should I push him to join a club/group/sport?
I definitely don’t think it’s a mistake to introduce the idea of joining an organized activity. You can do it in a gentle way- make a list of lots of activities you think might interest him and see if any catch his eye. If he says no, talk about why. But if he persists with his decision not to join, I don’t know that I’d force him to. Think about it this way: if he’s that shy, would he really enjoy being a part of a large group? Or would it just be overwhelming and intimidating? He’ll have the experience of being a part of a group in other ways: classroom activities, group projects, etc. and he’ll get camaraderie through his close friends and family. Just because you think being a part of an organized sport or activity would be good for him doesn’t mean it’s the only way for him to experience life.
My daughter is getting overweight. Unfortunately, I know that attractive people are treated better in this world- should I push her to lose the weight?
Hopefully as a parent, your reasons for wanting a child to lose weight are health-oriented and not appearance oriented. You should always encourage your children to focus on what other people have to offer on the inside- things like morals and character traits, not appearance.
That said, there are, of course, health benefits to being of a healthy weight. When helping a child maintain a healthy weight, researchers are unanimous: keep the focus on health, not weight. Help your child choose healthy foods and balanced meals, exercise and stay active, and get enough sleep. Don’t focus on pounds or the way she looks. Doing so will only lead to dissapointment.
My child wants to quit an activity he is involved in. Should I let him? Or push him to stay in it?
Here’s a situation where it’s probably best to talk about why your child wants to stop the activity. Is it because he’s no longer interested and/or is becoming interested in something else? Then it may be time for a change. Is it because he’s had a tough season and doesn’t like losing? Then it’s time for a talk about why not every season will be a winning season (a tough conversation- but end it on a high note à what can you improve on next season?).
This situation is one where you and your child really have to talk it out together and use your best judgment.
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At the end of the day, remember: your child is a different person than you are. She may be interested in similar things as you were as a child, but she may not. Do your best to have an open mind and be supportive.
I'm so sad to tell you that the forum I was scheduled to attend got cancelled because of severe weather. Last week, we got a few inches of solid ice, covered by 6 inches of thick snow, topped off with over 100 hours of sub-zero temperatures. Where do I live, you ask. Dallas, Texas. That's right. The land of heat and cowboys, 70+ degree Christmases, and record breaking summers. I'm sure many of you also had to deal with the crazy winter storm. I'll tell you- I've never seen anything like this in my life.
Anyhow, said forum will be held- but in June.
However, since I think the topic of self care is so important, I decided to give you some fun, easy, free(ish) ways to take care of yourself!
But first- here's my CBS 11 clip on the topic!
1. Take a bubble bath. Have you ever heard that saying that once you have children, the only privacy you can get is in the bathroom? Take advantage. In fact, spend ten extra minutes. Do not feel guilty.
2. Make what you want for dinner. Even if you end up making something else for your kids, make yourself what you want one night a week. You'll love yourself for it. Do not feel guilty.
3. Get dressed up on a Tuesday. For no one else but yourself. If you don't want to get dressed up, at least put on your nice makeup (we all have it- the 'nice' lip gloss). It'll make you feel good.
4. Car dance. I'm telling you, it turns a bad mood good. Kesha's my guilty pleasure- what's yours?
5. Give someone else a compliment. Brightening someone else's day will make you feel good on the inside. Try it.
What do you do to take care of yourself?Read more...
Have you ever asked yourself this question? You take care of everyone else- you fill sippy cups, make lunches, take the dry cleaning, clean the toilets, and gosh knows what else, but who takes care of you? In fact, I read a recent blog entry that tackles just this topic. It’s called role conflict and it’s something that many moms face- trying to balance being a mom with being a wife with being a woman- it just sounds exhausting, doesn’t it?!
I don't want to forget my stay at home dads. The pull to take care of kids, clean house, maintain your role as a man, the husband, the dad, AND make it in a world other stay at home parents who are mostly female is by no means less stressful.
So what can you do? It’s a tough situation. Things still have to get done. You still have to be the mom/dad. The wife/husband. The woman/man. Well, for starters, take a deep breath. Try to find some time to focus on you, even if it’s just five or ten minutes. The dry cleaning can be a day late and you can live with dirty toilets for a few days. You can also try a few tips offered by the American Psychological Association Help Center for managing stress.
Later this week, I’ll be attending a free forum on just this topic. It’s being put on by the University of Texas at Dallas Center for Children and Families- they’re bringing in Dr. Suniya Luthar, a well-known researcher on this topic. If you live in DFW, I’d encourage you to attend! It’s free, you get lunch (for free!), and you’ll learn a lot. I’ll be sure to update you all next week on what I learned J
Separation anxiety can end up causing anxiety for both parent and child. For many moms and dads of young children, morning drop off at school or day care can end in tears for both the child and the parent. Here are some tips for a tear-free morning- every morning.
Have special toys that live in the car
Sometimes the toughest morning transition is getting your child out of the house and into the car. Shaking the ‘But I don’t wanna go to school’ blues can be hard, and hearing your child whine every. single. morning. can really test your patience. Try having a few special toys that ‘live in the car,’ and thus can only be played with while your child is riding in the car.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “But what if my child throws a tantrum on the way home because she likes the toys so much and wants to take them inside and play with them?” Well, there are a few different options. First, you can be a really good marketer. If the toys who live in the car are, say, stuffed animals, maybe they go to sleep every time your child isn’t in the car playing with them and you act out a short (30 seconds) bedtime scenario as each car ride is coming to an end. This gives your child closure until the next car ride. Alternatively, you could choose toys that must stay in the car, like an activity set that attaches to your child’s car seat.
Know that your child will likely be fine
It’s true, what the care providers tell you- it is usually harder on the parents. Children usually do calm down fairly quickly after you leave. I know it’s not fun or easy, but trust that you’ve left your child in good hands. And know this- if you pick up a smiling, happy child, she’s probably had a pretty good day J
These are just a few quick tips to helping your child overcome separation anxiety!
No one can be the perfect parent, including you. And while it’s great to try and be the best parent you can be, it’s not great to beat yourself up every time you make a mistake. Parenting mistakes are going to happen- you’re going to stifle a tantrum by shoving an order of french fries into the back seat and at some point you’ll probably end an argument with “Because I said so, THAT’S why!”
It’s good for your children to see that you’re not perfect. Can you imagine the pressure if they thought they had to live up to a perfect mom or dad? How stressful would that be?!
So here’s the challenge: Stop. Exhale. You’re doing a good job. Let yourself be perfectly imperfect.
In plain English: treat others how you would like to be treated. Ever thought how this might apply to the way you parent? No? That’s okay, I have ;)
The bottom line is: respect. Add to that: respect children. I think, if I had to come up with a single motto for parenting (for life, really) it would be: respect children.
Children are just small people. They have thoughts, opinions, beliefs, and values. You may not always agree with them. But just like any other person, they still count. Respect them. Sure, children need guidance and we, as adults have a responsibility to help them learn and grow, but we also have a responsibility to allow them to develop into their own people.
An easy way to apply the golden rule to parenting your children is with your words. I think of it this way: try not to speak to your children in a way you wouldn’t want someone (anyone- a friend, stranger, trusted colleague) speaking to you. In one of my favorite parenting books ever, Unconditional Parenting, Alfie Kohn gives a great example of this by comparing the way a parent might treat both a friend and a child who had consistently forgets their umbrella. With a friend, we might say:
“Oh, you forgot your umbrella again!”
But with our own child, we might be more likely to get frustrated, saying something like,
“How many times do I have to tell you to remember your umbrella? What is it going to take for you to remember??”
The latter is quite disrespectful and if we spoke to our adult friends that way, we probably wouldn’t have very many friends. Instead, it might be more peaceful to find ways to work with our children in respectful ways to help them learn to remember the umbrella. For instance, while your child is eating breakfast, do a ‘weather check’ and make a checklist of the items needed to prepare for the weather that day. Keep the items that might be needed (umbrella, rain boots, gloves, hat) in a basket by the door.
Respecting children is not only easy to do, but instills a sense of confidence in them and helps them learn the skills needed to become independent and successful in their everyday lives.
Every parent wants their child to be a good listener. The hard part for parents is that preschoolers are just learning to listen- they need to be told things over and over and reminded to listen. Here are Avant Garde Parenting's 3 questions for parents when practicing listening with your child.
One thing I’ve learned as a researcher is that, when you need children to do something quickly, you tell them instead of asking them. If I tell a child, “I’d like you to point to the blue duck on this page,” he’s likely to do it. If I ask a child, “Can you point to the blue duck on this page?” at least 1 in 4 will look me square in the eyes and say, calmly, “No.” But there’s an art to it, of course. Never be too directive, or you come across at best, as mean and, at worst, as the nanny that Jane and Michael Banks didn’t want in Mary Poppins (...scold and dominate us...).
What I mean is, there’s a huge difference between
“I’d like you to please put your shoes in your closet if you’re finished playing outside.”
And
“Put your shoes in your closet. How many times do I need to say it?”
I always think of it this way: Would you say it to an adult friend? Then why would you say it to your child?
Now, I know what you’re thinking. I’ve said it to her 874 times and she still won’t do it. Keep in mind that preschoolers aren’t adults. They need to be reminded of things many times before they can be successful at them.
2. When are you saying it?
In my last listening post, I wrote about evaluating when it is that you’re asking your child to listen to you. If it’s while your child is in the middle of a project, then you are interrupting your child. In those instances, respect your child by helping her find a good stopping place and then asking for her attention.
3. Why are you saying it?
What’s the meaning behind what you’re asking your child to do? Has trying to get your child to listen become little more than you simply wanting your child to comply? I challenge you to re-evaluate what’s really behind your words, then work a solution by which both you and your child can benefit.
For example: Your 5 year old leaves her crayons all over the floor and seemingly does not hear you the 47 times you politely tell him to put them away. At this point, are you just frustrated because he’s not listening to you? Maybe. But go back to the real message. What you probably initially wanted him to learn was to take care of his toys and put them away when he’s finished with them. Assess the reasons he’s possibly not doing that:
Crayons are tough to shove back into the little cardboard containers they come in
He hasn’t developed planning skills yet
He has so many other fun toys to play with
Now, here are creative solutions to those problems:
Use a pencil box, shoebox, or Tupperware to keep the crayons in
Help hone his planning skills by putting the crayons away together every time for awhile until he can do it on his own
Make putting them away fun- sort by color family, sort by name, have a race, sing a song, put them away with your toes
Bottom Line: Listening is tough when you’re an adult; can you imagine how tough it is as a preschooler? Be a listening ally with your child- work as a team and things will go much smoother.
Hello, welcome to my blog. I am a newbie in online business. Singleparent-s.blogspot.com is a blog which I dedicate to the Internet, with the hope that can be useful for others who need information about parenting and single parent. I really enjoy and make an online business not only as a job but also an useful hobby. Hope you find the information you need in this blog. * Susila Dewi is a pseudonym adopted for professional reasons.
