From the Archives: Look Who's Talking!

A while ago I was having a conversation with a friend about her car radio breaking. She was complaining about not being able to hear traffic and news and just her poor excuse for a car in general. Then she paused. ‘You know,’ she said, ‘I do talk to my kids a lot more in the car now that our other alternative is silence.’

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This made me think: Does this happen a lot? And why have we stopped talking to our kids while we’re in the car?  The commute to school/karate/ballet class/church/the grocery store is the perfect venue for talking (and listening) to our children. Especially for toddlers and preschoolers, having conversations with adults is important because it teaches (and gives an outlet for practicing) two important rules of conversation:

• Question and answers – As adults, we instinctively know how this dance goes. One person asks a question, the other answers. Babies first begin to learn this when an adult asks a question they already know the answer to (“What color is this?”) and then answers it for the child (“Green!”). As children get older, they can answer questions and learn to ask other questions through practicing conversation.
• Turn taking – I think all parents will agree that this is an important skill and the basis of learning to share. It also shows up when we talk with others. We all have the friend who (bless her heart) never learned this skill and talks your ear off while you nod along and your eyes glaze over. By practicing conversation with your kiddo, you are teaching him that the best communication happens when both people have a chance to talk.

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Parenting Quick Tip: Connecting During Frustration

When your child is frustrated, it can be equally frustrating for you, especially if you have a young preschooler who can't yet express everything he needs and wants. Your first reaction may be avoidance- to turn away and let your child figure it on on his own. Or, you may enter into a frustration battle with your child that ends up with both of you melting down.

Next time, try connecting with your child by saying this: How can I help you right now? It will challenge her to use her words and think through her emotions, why she's frustrated, and what she needs in the situation. And it will help you connect with your child in a way that will be meaningful and work through the frustration more quickly :)

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Answering the Tough Questions

The tough questions. The questions every parent dreads. You know- the birds and the bees. What happens when you die? Why doesn't my sister have a pee pee? What's the F-word? Here's a quick guide so that you won't get caught off guard! 

1. Keep answers simple and age appropriate – What a 3 year-old wants or needs to know about where babies come from is very different from what an 8 year-old wants or needs to know about the same topic. Though it might be easy and tempting to launch into an all-out medical explanation with your preschooler, your 3 year-old will likely be satisfied with a simple answer such as ‘they come from mommies’ tummies.’

2. If you’re not sure how to answer, lead with ‘Great question. What do you think?’ – This buys you a little time and lets you find out what your child already knows about the topic, which will help you tailor your answer to what your child is really asking.

3. Don’t lie – Especially with older children/teens and topics such as drug and alcohol use, your adolescents can smell a rat from a mile away and lying will only cause you to lose your credibility with your children. Instead, handle these questions with the truth coupled with the negative consequences you encountered by engaging in such activities.

4. Find out what your child is really asking – By asking him questions (e.g., ‘Tell me a little more about what you’re thinking.’ ‘What made you think of that?’) Many times when children ask about difficult topics such as death or mom and dad fighting, they are really just looking for empathy. Show sensitivity by identifying with your child’s emotions, whether s/he is sad, scared, or angry.

How do you handle the tough questions? 

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Good Little Listeners: Three Questions to Ask Yourself

Every parent wants their child to be a good listener. The hard part for parents is that preschoolers are just learning to listen- they need to be told things over and over and reminded to listen. Here are Avant Garde Parenting's 3 questions for parents when practicing listening with your child. 

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1. What are you saying and how are you saying it?

One thing I’ve learned as a researcher is that, when you need children to do something quickly, you tell them instead of asking them. If I tell a child, “I’d like you to point to the blue duck on this page,” he’s likely to do it. If I ask a child, “Can you point to the blue duck on this page?” at least 1 in 4 will look me square in the eyes and say, calmly, “No.” But there’s an art to it, of course. Never be too directive, or you come across at best, as mean and, at worst, as the nanny that Jane and Michael Banks didn’t want in Mary Poppins (...scold and dominate us...).

What I mean is, there’s a huge difference between

“I’d like you to please put your shoes in your closet if you’re finished playing outside.”

And

“Put your shoes in your closet. How many times do I need to say it?”

I always think of it this way: Would you say it to an adult friend? Then why would you say it to your child?

Now, I know what you’re thinking. I’ve said it to her 874 times and she still won’t do it. Keep in mind that preschoolers aren’t adults. They need to be reminded of things many times before they can be successful at them.

2. When are you saying it?

In my last listening post, I wrote about evaluating when it is that you’re asking your child to listen to you. If it’s while your child is in the middle of a project, then you are interrupting your child. In those instances, respect your child by helping her find a good stopping place and then asking for her attention.

3. Why are you saying it?

What’s the meaning behind what you’re asking your child to do? Has trying to get your child to listen become little more than you simply wanting your child to comply? I challenge you to re-evaluate what’s really behind your words, then work a solution by which both you and your child can benefit.

For example: Your 5 year old leaves her crayons all over the floor and seemingly does not hear you the 47 times you politely tell him to put them away. At this point, are you just frustrated because he’s not listening to you? Maybe. But go back to the real message. What you probably initially wanted him to learn was to take care of his toys and put them away when he’s finished with them. Assess the reasons he’s possibly not doing that:

1. Crayons are tough to shove back into the little cardboard containers they come in
2. He hasn’t developed planning skills yet
3. He has so many other fun toys to play with

Now, here are creative solutions to those problems:

1. Use a pencil box, shoebox, or Tupperware to keep the crayons in
2. Help hone his planning skills by putting the crayons away together every time for awhile until he can do it on his own
3. Make putting them away fun- sort by color family, sort by name, have a race, sing a song, put them away with your toes

Bottom Line: Listening is tough when you’re an adult; can you imagine how tough it is as a preschooler? Be a listening ally with your child- work as a team and things will go much smoother.

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HUH? Helping Kids Listen

Do you ever feel like a broken record? Do you ever feel like a broken record? It’s frustrating when you feel like you are constantly repeating yourself and everything you say falls on deaf ears. So what’s the solution?

Well friends, first I say to you: look inward. Before you apply any quick fixes to your kiddos to get them to listen, evaluate when it is you are asking them to listen to you. Is it when they are in the middle of an art project? A future Tony award winning Broadway production? On the brink of discovering a new periodic element right in your very own backyard? Then you are interrupting them. Young children haven’t mastered the fine art of multitasking yet. It's difficult for them to listen to you and work on whatever project they are engaged in. In such situations, my advice to you is to wait for a good stopping place before expecting to have your child’s full attention.

Let your child know that you have something important to say that requires their full attention. Get on her level (e.g., on your knees, on the floor)

“I need you to stop for a few seconds while I tell you something.”

Wait while your child finds a stopping place. If your child doesn’t or won’t stop what she is doing in a reasonable amount of time, help her to do so. Tell her what you needed to say, then end the conversation with

“Thanks for stopping to listen. That was so kind of you.”

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So what about times when your child isn’t busy becoming the next Nobel Laureate? Try saying, “Let me see eyes, please,” or placing one hand gently on his shoulder and waiting for eye contact before starting to speak. Ever heard the phrase ‘The eyes are the window to the sole’? There’s some truth to it. Make sure your child is looking at you when you’re talking to him. That way, you know he’s hearing what you’re saying.

In the same vein, show similar respect when your child is speaking to you. Give your child eye contact and your full attention when she’s talking to you. Make your child believe that what she’s saying to you is the most important piece of information you will receive all day. Guess what? She’ll likely do the same for you.

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